LOCAL WILDLIFE QUITS IN DISGUST

Speculation continues into the case of the beached sperm whale found on Balmedie Beach. Wildlife experts have reported that the animal had been suffer breathing problems and as a result of these problems come ashore to die.

I have a fancy that this report to be slightly misleading. I may not be a marine biologist but even i know that a whale out of water would suffer breathing problems... mostly due to its mammoth body weight crushing its lungs surely?

No, I believe that the whale was drawn to the area by the mounting tales of fame, fortune and mega bucks about to rain down upon this stretch of coast, following the recent decision to let Mr Trump fix the Foveran links, build a mini spanish holiday complex, a profitable housing estate, staff homes and oh lets not forget the golf course.

But having arrived the poor whale realised that he'd only be joining a white elephant spectacle and suffering an acute case of disillusionment decided to stage an intelligent protest on behalf of the local wildlife and commit hari kari...

News Flash from Cowland!

Breaking news in Cowland - of such importance as to be announced over the local radio waves.

WARNING!ALERT! DANGER
Warning all drivers travelling north. A bull has escaped and is creating problems on the A90 just beside the 'Cock n' Bull' pub! (Who could imagine such irony in one wee story?) Drivers are advised to slow down and expect delays whilst the rampaging bull is brought under control.

I know I should've thought 'Oh no'... but what I actually thought was 'Great!' I mean who wouldn't be delighted by the prospect of a photo shoot of headline story calibre?

It was on my way home - Check
The traffic would be slow if not at a standstill - Check
I had my camera - Check

Ah ah... finally, I'd make it - Paparazzi photographer for the Aberdeen Angus! And obviously they'd be so impressed with my top quality photos and my dedication from being 'at' the scene so quickly that's they'd offer me a job on the spot. I was already planning my next camera lens choice when I came upon the 'crime scene'.

.... the traffic was indeed slow moving. (more than the usual rush hour? I couldn't tell). As I drew ever closer my sweaty hand gripped my camera, ready to let forth a burst of activity. Eagle eyed I scoured the verges on either side only to discover the whole exaggerated truth.

There was NO bull, only a teeny tiny white Aberdeen Angus calf munching lush forbidden grass on the wrong side of the fence! I was so disgusted by the media hype that I didn't stop to take a photo and I and my fellow travellers speed away it dawned on me that the reason everyone was slowing down was because no one could see the 'raging bull'

So its clear, the Aberdeen Angus is nowt but a low life, double dealing, public misleading tabloid paper. Not worth spending the five minutes it takes to read every article cover to cover!