Motionless

My thoughts, like planets collided and the movement rippled further than I could imagine, like a cyclist shifting gears... It was an unnatural yet unavoidable by-product of motion.

I want to be still... but I cannot stop my thoughts.

Perhaps I should visit some Buddhist monks to find my inner peace, search out my core purpose in life and become tranquil. But I doubt that I’d find much more than the deep seated question - 'who is eating all the other jaffa cakes?

Besides I’m not sure I could take the realisation that I’m as shallow as a summer puddle after all. I'd much rather cling to the possibility that one day i might turn out not to be dead of irrelevance.

Maybe I just need to accept that one cannot hang on to feelings, friends and forays, but rather let them go..... for they are not mine to keep. But instead i should treasure them as memories.

Talking of which, I’ve been thinking a lot about childhood days, enjoying the memories of a time when social skills were not expected, nor indeed necessary. Ah such sweet times, when it was legitimate to ignore the comments or actions of someone else simply on the basis you hadn't a clue what they were on about. If they didn't make sense - you just ignored them. It was practically law!

I have a hankering for such simplicity again, where it was high times when two people linked hands together, leant out and spun in a circle until they couldn't breathe. The thrill to once more enjoy gut wrenching laughter, loud enough to annoy the neighbourhood as far as the ear could hear. When days felt like weeks, but bedtimes came too soon. Easy relationships. ... where invitations to 'come play' were rejected with a mere shrug of the shoulders. Where mistakes were erased by blowing the crumbs off.

Hope lingers so they say, but really its stuffed into Pandora's box and even reading the ancient legends I’m not too clear how it gets shared around. Nor am I aware of the identity of the designated distributor of said 'hope', so I can’t go and make any enquiries. So I feel a bit stuck - cos I feel I need some but the man from del hope givers - he say 'NO'...

I want to be still, no questioning, analysing, speculating, assuming and hurting. I miss the old times...

Is there a way back??