Keep Britain Tidy!

Bobby was a beautiful brown teddy bear… with big brown eyes that glistened like thick dark molasses. A neat little nose that peeked from beneath the fluffy face fur that partially covered it, simply begged for kind fingers to spread the fur back to smooth over his treacle coloured nose until it shone as bright and happy as his eyes.

The hardness of his button nose contrasted with his squishy soft body, two shades of brown sewn together in perfect harmony. The rich dark shade of his back and limbs only served to bring attention to his toffee rounded tummy, which stood proud and appealing to the touch of a loving caress. The tactile appeal of his paunch belly was only surpassed by the temptation offered by his perfectly formed and folded ears, which curled into a shallow hollow… finger sized, just right for nestling.

The whole bear smiled with a warmth and fondness which rendered his up turned woollen mouth unnecessary. The expression on his friendly face was one of serenity that brought joy and calm to those who dared steal a hug. This was Bobby’s role in life, his single purpose - joy giver.

But everyone knows that all teddy bears must go down to the woods for the teddy bears picnic. So Bobby waited until the house where he lived had gone quiet and everyone who loved him had fallen into a peaceful slumber before making his way carefully down to the kitchen. And with a wink to basil the dog, Bobby slipped out through the cat flap and into the cool morning air.

Walking through the dew as the sun began to kiss the remains of the night time sky made Bobby feel like the happiest bear in the world. The chilly night air gave way and allowed the heat of the growing light to envelope Bobby as he continued on his big adventure.

The lightness of the day and the increasing sunshine lifted Bobby’s spirits making his little bear heart feel like it was going to burst in his chest. Full of delight and excitement at having reached the field which bordered the wood, Bobby started to skip… and unable to contain his joy Bobby broke out into a bounding sprint. Leaping high, high, high up into the air above the swaying grass seeds. He was so close now that Bobby could hear the merrymaking of his friends and as his kindly little eyes darted to somewhere beyond the trees and nodding bluebells in hope of catching a first glimpse of his friends, Bobby felt his legs give up the furious race to keep pace with his enthusiasm and he tumbled… His tiny soft body slipped down into the long lush summer grass, and landed on a broken bottle which cut his head clean off. Poor Bobby.

Stupid Brain

I’ve recently found myself increasingly in the company of a long term friend who’s been single now for about 18 months… I’ve been studying her with interest, like a macabre fascination as to the behaviour of ‘single girls’ as seen by others.

You see I’m aware that humans rationalise out their actions as reasonable by doing some mental gymnastics… I guess I worry that I do it so effortlessly that I don’t even realise it! Thus my study of my unsuspecting friend.

She seems wonderfully confident to those who don’t know her…. indeed so much so that even I feel fooled sometimes… but I gently remind myself to our conversations and emails…
~~~~~~~~~~
I get a panic call early one morning….She met this guy….. Saw him for the first time. She complains to me that he’s a bit older. But he mentioned sending something she might be interested in seeing… so at the end of the night, he gives her his card. (No major catastrophes, right?)…..Wrong!!
‘I sent him an email at 1am in the morning. I know, I broke some mortal sin doing it so soon’ she whinges…. and then qualifies ’but it was a fairly nonchalant email, an attempt or two at humour, and I threw in my number at the end. Very casual. No pressure. (I stop listening for a moment - there’s a rule about replying and emailing timescales??? I feel suddenly under pressure!!!)
Her distressed voice brings me to attention again, ‘why hasn’t he written back?’…. naturally there are loads of very rational reasons why not, and I offer a dozen perfectly good reasons… she ignores them all, and can’t seem to help obsessing about ridiculous ones.
I hang up exasperated…. and the support line goes silent for a few days….

She went out with him twice. And from her glowing reports it went well. So much so that she’s now totally hooked on waiting for him to reply… and then getting disappointed that the emails/ texts she receives weren’t worth waiting for. I listen sympathetically as she tortures herself, ‘he’s dated extremely beautiful women. I doubt I’ll ever sleep with him’… (As I said, she’s massively insecure). She continues ‘I sort of wish he would just lose interest and leave me alone.’ (Yes even when it’s all going great she’s into crazy talk!!)… ‘It kills me that somewhere in his head he thinks his old girlfriends are prettier than me. I can’t stand it. (I share her sentiment that I wish he’d leave her alone and then feel a rubbish friend)….

The whole concept that is swimming around her troubled head is illogical … can she really be serious when she says she’s over the moon when guys she’s dating tell her she’s the prettiest girl they’ve ever been with??… How can she swallow such a big fat lie.. especially when she’s the person making it up!?!! (I get confused trying to follow her lead thro’ the illogical logic labyrinth… so I smile encouragingly)

She continues and it doesn’t sound good to me… but I listen. ‘This guy is nice enough and attractive and bright…but there were no sparks when we met.’ On either side?? (my question doesn’t compute)… she railroads on… ‘I only like relationships for the attention and the ego boost. I’m getting neither. (my mind wanders…. is there room for two super sized egos in any one relationship?…. I recapture my runaway thoughts).

With conviction, she informs me of her master plan…. ‘I’ve decided though, I’m going to use Valentines as a bit of a barometer. I’m not going to mention it to him obviously, (obviously?) and I’m really not sure if he’d specifically ask me out for the night (isn’t this a fundamental flaw?)… and I wont go if he asks me as I’ve got solid plans with some friends anyway (am I missing a dating gene cos this isn’t making sense to me at all)… Conclusion = ‘if he figures out a way to send me flowers..then we’re cool. and I’ll see where the relationship goes.’ (didn’t she just say there was no sparks??)….. ‘if he doesn’t… I’m going to take it as a sign (more of a sign than the non-spark, lack of attention, omission of ego boasts?)… that none of this is really worth it and I’m going to taper off my contact with him. Whatever, no loss to either of us really. I’ll just say I’ve gotten really busy.’ This is a plan????? all from the lady who says she’s obsessively waiting and looking for replies???? (my mind wanders again…. to a scene from Gladiators where they’re jostling with oversized cottonbuds… ‘games on’ the commentator announces ‘apathy v. obsession’ - the crowd erupt into chanting…

….. ‘Sorry, I was jst thinking about what you’d said’ (I lie unconvincingly but she doesn’t notice)… the chanting in my head changes into ‘Stupid Brain. Stupid Brain’ and I have to agree… then she says she has to go…. cos he usually emails around this time…

Days pass and I hear nothing….. I tell myself this is good… but this is not good….
I get an update: no flowers on Valentine’s Day!! (The end?…. Nah)… she fills me in with the details, ‘There was no way I was going to text him or anything… and I hadn’t, but he sent me a message asking how I was. (Isn’t that nice? I ask)….’no’ she exclaims with a shocked look on her face… anyway, she continues, dismissing my obviously stupid brain remark….. ‘I replied with something innocuous and added happy Valentines Day at the end.’ To which he replied, “you too, any secret admirers” and I thought, “no, you misleading asshole.” I was livid (How come? I thought whilst sporting a blonde head tilt)… ‘I mean, he’s got a really good job and could easily afford flowers, but to not even be acknowledged on Valentines Day… he’s a bit of a no brainer. Right?’…. umm… ‘right’ I echo, whilst trying to recall if they were on date two or twenty two…

I thought that this heinous would’ve decided whether or not she’d see him again… but obsession had taken root…

‘He continued to text me a bit over the following few days and asked when I would be around. I played it really cool, and was like ‘oh, sometime after Wednesday.’ (I wondered why she did that cos I know that her schedule is about a busy as a geriatric patient’s) … apparently, he didn’t need to know that. (For undisclosed reasons… even to me!!)

I got a call at lunchtime Thursday.. ‘We got together last night. I told him I had to leave a bit early to go to a friend’s birthday. (which friends and why was I not invited??)… I told him I wasn’t really up for it and decided I’d stay with him….. We walked around a bookstore for a while…got some coffee. and then decided to head to part of town where I live and got a few drinks.’

(I felt myself smiling)… ‘I was fine until somehow his past of dating models and dancers and actresses came up magically, and you can guarantee I was not the one to bring it up. I was a bit merry by this point, and obsessed about it for a while until he finally got a cab to go home.’ (I felt myself nodding …. I was obsessing about this too…. where are all these models, dancers and actresses in Aberdeen?????)

‘You know what’s funny?’….. ‘what?’… What’s funny, is that I had considered sleeping with him last night……(to try to generate sparks no doubt)… ’At first I thought I was never going to, because of his apparently gorgeous ex-girlfriends, but I was finally starting to get over it. But up comes his ex’s and there goes my confidence… do you think he does it on purpose??’… (blank look) ‘I hate men who play games!’ (other than the part they ought to play in your own games? I thought cynically and then felt bad)…

‘I wound up telling him in my slight drunkenness that I would probably never be able to sleep with him a) cos we’re not in a relationship and b) insecurity and then I made up some other reasons in a vaguely coherent argument. I came home feeling seriously down. I think he felt awful.’ (How awful!)

…’Don’t look at me like that, whatever, it worked!!!! (he ended it???)… cos when I got home. I fell straight asleep, but I heard him text and then ring me an hour later. I didn’t get it. I text him this morning, saying I fell asleep but got home ok. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to a museum this weekend. I told him I had some work to do. (what work?)…He called. I ignored it. Then he text and said, ok well just come out for a few hours. I very nicely and jokingly said I should really get started on this work. He said ok.’ Cool huh?’…. (yeah real slick)…

I get a call Friday lunchtime…..
‘It’s over!!…(It’s over?)…. ‘I would have been more than happy to keep seeing him. But I woke up this morning… and thought about it for a while. This guy isn’t some 20 year old student. He’s a 36 or 37 year old very comfortable professional, and we are (or were) more or less dating. Him calling me, him inviting me out, but I kept remembering the times we went out together.(all those thousands of times?)… The first night he took me a really nice upscale bar. We got champagne, it was lovely, something I’d like to get used to…..We also went out to dinner once at some restaurant. I had a nice time then too. But I was jst thinking, other than that our “dates” have included coffee, drinking beers at normal bars, and walking around book stores.’ (I think, what’s wrong with that? …. I love doing things like that but keep quiet and listen). she continues… ’i mean, lets be honest, the effort to impress really isn’t there. I don’t mind being a cheap date, (oh my god - i’m a cheap date!)but when he tells me he was once dating a girl and flew back and forth from another city just to see her for one day at the weekend, I’m started to get offended that I’m an easy date, as in “ah we’ll just walk around she wont mind.” And what am i getting in return?’ (i pray that this is a rhetorical question)..

…’Whether intentionally or not, he makes me feel very bad about myself, and it’s not like he wants to be my boyfriend or anything. What’s the point. I have other things I need to be concentrating on. So that’s that. I’m just not going to see him again. I simply refuse to keep bother my friends with my obsessive nonsense for such a loser!’……
….Ummm, thanks!

~~~~~~~

Don’t get me wrong… altho’ i don’t understand half of her thought processes and many of her actions are a complete mystery to me… i am in awe of her ability to not care what others think of her… I really wish I can do that (Stop caring what other people think of me not the mental gymnastics as shown above!!), …… but I really don’t want to be a target in a modern-day witch hunt. Most people are still sheep and follow the loudest leaders. Meaning the least-liked individual will always be vulnerable like a fox who gets “ripped apart” for turning up at the wrong party!. Stupid fox thinks it can get away with mingling with human beings!!…. Like my friend…. I want to learn to let go of past events… to rewrite and remember only a sugar-coated history in which its all about me! But there is only one problem…. Stupid Brain!!!!

Gossip’s Gossip while the rest of Mankind Breathe

Redemption arrives to me from cautious contemplation
Perception on the iniquity dreamt by you into formation
Defamation set to trickle from pernicious poisoned tongue
Besmirch borne breath to persuade, innocence to be undone
But lo our saviour ‘contempt’, lightens the tone to comedy
And derision declares this juncture, a mock tragic travesty

Virtue would impudently behest. Denying chance, forecast!
Impeachment and untamed idiocy will always cease to last
Weathering wild claims so riotous to every sense and reason
Obscurely peddled amity, an unconventional name for treason?
Even civic vision of respectability would beg that it be asked
That ferocity and viciousness might be more credibly masked!

Absconding the shores of actuality with all who care to claver
Your character is saturated with your unsavoury spiteful slaver
Banishing idle wickedness, your avarice and bile-ridden greed
Petty inconsequential few, all former regard I hereby concede
As you graze upon distorted lies and imagined insults never said
Adieu to you, most perfect bedfellows – an ass and horses head!

Tied in Social Knots

Do you ever suspect that.... of those people you hope will befriend you, so that you can befriend them.... some of Those People are secretly hoping that YOU will befriend THEM, so that THEY can befriend YOU?

and....

Of those above, some of those people you hope will befriend you so that you can befriend them.... are really hoping to de-friend you at some later stage and are only hoping your befriend them so they can befriend you for some ulterior motive?

Its all so complicated that it makes my brain itch! Oh to relive the days when your best friend approached the object of your interest's best friend and simply said 'my mate fancies your mate'... and there... the negotiations were complete. And two days of shy acknowledgements later you were spending quality together time.

Its not just individual interactions that are festooned with codes and cyphers, on the whole, this time of year is pretty tricky for the great socially unwashed generally. Random people smile at me and I don't know if I know them, so I smile back embarrassed that I can't remember them.... they then think I know them and their open polite smiles becomes terse as they realise that they might've actually known me but cant remember now.... the result is the smiles breakdown and we scuttle past each other feeling bad.

Truth is, I never actually enjoyed 'going out'. Clubbing / pubing / bars / dancing / parties, were moments to live thro' rather than to be relished. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fun times, but these were always the backdrop of 'Not Fun'. It's all so stressful and its just NOT me. Even eating out gets weird to me if it's with more than four, myself included. It's Funny, cos those who get to know me think I'm a chameleon and can fit into most situations. Like I'm 'friendly'..... or something.

I used to think I couldn't relax and enjoy myself, cos I needed something 'to-do'... that I wasn't content to just be. But I enjoy house hanging-out with friends... so that doesn't make sense. I love that my house is frequently filled with folks just dropping in past.... maybe, even though I'm good at welcoming people, it's simply that I'm not so good at being welcomed...? ... I need a wall behind the sofa my arse is warming, if you know what I mean.

Whatever the reason..... it's definitely getting more pronounced as I get older. Perhaps I just never got over being called 'The Odd One,' and the anxiety + paranoia that bred. Tho' I have to say it doesn't jar so much these days when people sneer at me and say 'you just think you're clever'... when I was a kid it used to crumple me.... it felt like I was a freak. Mebbe I am a freak. Nowadays I reckon, if I'm gonna be a called a freak... I'd much rather be a freak with brains than a gormless name caller .

I'd like it to be known tho'... we Formerly Highly Rejected Ones might seem okay, but you should MRI our frazzled brains during 'Going Out/Social situations'. The display of distress colourings would, I am sure, rival the most resplendent Christmas decorations..

Seems a shame that so many people use up so much energy trying to trip other people up so they can point and jeer instead of being as tolerant and understanding as they believe themselves to be.... leaves me wondering, if this is the season of good will to all.... who got so much niceness in their stocking that its left the rest of the world short??

Wishing all those who read my blog a magical Christmas.... and enough peace and excitement in the new year to bring them joy!

What is 'me-ness' ?

Last week was not a good week - I spent most of it feeling like I'd rather be someone else... things began stacking up - the dishes - unread papers - work - e-mails - washing - the list of people to phone. My mind and thoughts grew heavy despite my trying not to get fixated.

People were kind and many asked me "How do you feel generally?" or "How are you doing?" But I didn't know what to say. "Not great?, but maybe this is normal under the circumstances." Pathetic? Who knows.... maybe, but how are we meant to feel? So much of life we have to improvise as we go along. There's no instruction manual. I keep asking, what's normal? Is this normal now? Sometimes in my head I feel so 'mortal' - that all the bits could go flying off - atomised. The difference between feeling alive and not, can seem so slight its hard to define.

But, in all that, there is a tiny 'me-ness' which does holds it together - and this rickety 'self' behind all the masks which I wear, is somehow untamed - comes away with some really wild stuff. So much so sometimes I find myself very much aware of the effect on others. And amongst it all is one who can listen and offer me what i need without perhaps ever knowing how valuable the gift they give is to me. I thank them.... for they are more special than they could know.

I have seen behind your mask

but don't be afraid.

Every one is ashamed

as long as he doesn't know himself.

You think your mask is beautiful

but it has been shaped by cruel hands

that once wounded your heart.

I have seen behind your mask

and I have seen human beauty.

I was thinking that if we're game, growing older offers release from what we have been - the freedom to wander.(at least in our minds). Pablo Neruda ends his poem 'Truth' on this theme: "And to truth I say: don't stay so long that you harden until you are a lie. I'm no director, I'm not in charge of anything or any great importance, and for that reason I treasure the errors of my song."

Half woman ~ half chewed biscuit (revisited)

Well, that's the last time I try to be arty with a photo on here.... mira hindley indeed!!! (yes that's right... a delightful comment regarding the photo on the above named entry) Albeit a rude and disturbing comparison it did start me wondering about 'beauty'. What it is and how it is perceived by others in order to create attraction.

Like the statement 'there is absolutely no, absolute truth', having only one definition of beauty seems wholly inadequate... I for one am thankfully for this!

cos if there was only one I'd be in trouble!...

I believe that beauty depends on place and time.

During the middle ages and renaissance the beautiful woman was plump and pale. Being plump and pale during those times meant that you were 1) well-fed and 2) not forced to work out in the fields. In China, during the Manchu Dynasty, people thought that women with infant-sized feet were beautiful because women with feet that were basically forced to be that size (through breaking the foot), couldn't move around a lot. (not the biggest advantage if you're looking for a partner to cook and clean the house tho'). In Africa, scarrification, where you intentionally scar your body, is considered beautiful. Whilst in other parts, a woman with extreme curves and very broad hips (child rearing hips) is considered attractive.

In western societies thin is a symbol of health and, more importantly, a symbol of being able to maintain a disciplined balanced approach to life's indulgences. Similarly, a tan means that you have money to go outdoors often and tan yourself. (or that you like to spend your free time standing upright in a 'stand and tan')

I personally think that beauty is inherent, and unlike sex appeal, which is a function of attitude. Sex appeal is a chemical interaction; a spray of Pheromones that are secreted and received between two people which dictates sexual behaviour and attraction. Both the conditions and individual attitudes become matched and the result is a lustful attraction. It is a subconscious decision to be appealing or be receptive to another's appeal.

Beauty, by contrast is less decisive or intentional... one can be viewed by others to be beautiful or have beautiful traits without being consciously aware. Out there must be enough people with differing tastes that there is indeed someone for everyone. So by my reckoning.. all we have to do is have a massive game of pick up pairs!..

An eye for an eye 'til everyone's blind?

Okay... now i'm worrying! what 'if' the enjoyment and contentment I'm feeling at the moment is partially based on an unspoken pleasure that a) I'm not the one suffering right now and that I can remain unaffected because of that distance - or - b) I dont care as much as I thought I did - or worse of all - c) I'm experiencing the macabre human state of relishing the ill fortunes of others??

Last night I was working in a very small rural village... I've worked there before and on those occasions I've rarely seen a soul. Even in daylight the streets are tired and sleepy... But as I was leaving late at night the caretaker let me out the building and issued me a kindly warning to 'be careful, cos there's lots of folk about t'night'. I asked why that was (sorta expecting to be told that there was a village event that had just finished)... he smiled gravely and said 'the auld smiddy was on fire'... I returned his smile without really understanding and headed back to my car.

I wandered to my car marvelling at how many couples and small groups of individuals were milling around. I could see over the tops of some cottages thick billowing clouds of smoke... the end of the road I was walking along was blocked by a police car. Having gotten into my car I didnt expect to see much else as I was heading in a different direction, but still the crowds and cars were appearing. It was like rush hour traffic!! ... or a scene from the league of gentleman... amazing. I even got stuck in a traffic jam trying to leave the village!...

As I was driving home and later that night I was thinking about what this says about us humans.... I can understand folks who slow down to have a look as they pass by a road accident scene.... it's a by-the-way linger glance that could be brushed away with thoughts of concern for those involved.... but what I'd seen was very different. It definitely wasn't 'by the way'... Those party goers had put their shoes and coats on... then jumped into their cars or started walking with the absolute intention of looking upon the misery of some poor person and family.... What does that say about human nature??

I remember a quote from Pride and Prejudice "For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?"... Altho' I've never considered it before, it seems that Jane Austen shared my uncharitable view of fellow humans and invited others to ponder a similar question in her novel. I wonder how many have taken her invite over the years...or like myself didn't dig too deep.

I have been left with an awful feeling that as unpleasant as I found the actions of these villagers... I can't shake off the uncomfortable question 'Am I any different simply because I dont have to go far to gaze upon my friends misfortunes?...