Some day's darkness falls and my demons come back and it feels like the bad men are coming to get me again. Fear and anger intrude - nothing and no one seems genuine - I imagine insults - feel a fraud. In the gloom I've learned to move to automatic pilot - survival mode. Avoid humans - avoid decisions. Potter around my garden or get creative - focusing on wee manual tasks with their own meaning.
Keeping it simple.
This evening I made some food for myself - nothing fancy, just plain. I really enjoyed it. As I ate I thought the banquets with friends will come again. Then I went for a walk along the estuary where I always go to reflect.
There's one shop in the nearest village - hanging on by a slack nail -so I try to use it. Waiting yesterday behind old Tom who dropped 50p. He's 86 - can't bend - so I say "let me get that." As I handed it over he dropped his stick and gripped the counter unsteadily. When I gave him the stick he didn't speak to me but smiled - gathered himself - did a four point turn and hobbled slowly out the door. As I remembered this scene I began to feel a quiet fortitude all round me - everywhere folks just getting by. Life has its defeats. It's about steadying ourselves - re-gathering - and moving on. That's just the way it is.
As I continued to walk I came to a place where I became more conscious of the wrong I have done in my life - broken promises - unpaid debts - abandoned friends. For years so much denied - I dread what's still to remember. Sometimes I feel a burning shame. T.S. Eliot called it, "The rending pain of re-enactment of all that you have done, and been." I guess none of us are really that different after all. We simply do the best we can..... what good is it to hold onto hurt and pain?
On the way home I visited one of my friends who has been ill - when I visited she was over the worst but still very weak. The mood was reflective - I think she's had a fright. She asked what parts of my life I'd enjoyed the most - would choose to live again. "I find that difficult, " I said, " I remember the bad bits more." She told me the memories she cherished about some fun times we'd shared. How, every Sunday - a small group of us - rain or shine spent the day in each others company. How on summer evenings we'd watch our children playing till the light failed. How we'd toil side by side over our vegetable plot, battling the relentless war on weeds.
For two hours we exchanged happy memories. I guess I realised that its all too easy to be consumed with negative emotions, which distort your hindsight memories.... I need to remember there is joy too in the re-enactment of what we have been. I dont want to have distorted memories about the people in my past.... and however fleeting, I am glad that our paths crossed.. and whatever happens in the future I hope I can always see the positive effect.
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