Increasingly I’m seeing the difference between being unhappy and being stuck in an unhappy moment in time. Everyone gets down in the dumps. If we didn’t experience the lows how could we savour the highs as someone no doubt famous and very clever once wrote. But what I’m noticing is the large numbers of individuals who have become entrenched in a miserable time in their lives, and then go on to re-created situations and events in order to relive that emotion. So much so that they have made themselves a victim in their own lives, feeling persecuted and put upon … without ever realising that it is them who are keeping themselves enslaved in this manner.
Worse still, my blinkers are off and I’m beginning to realise how many of these people there are in the world….. and more significantly around me. Amongst them is a close member of my family who has been draining my veracity for two years now. … my love for him has found me putting my own life on hold. … I’ve been stuck, suspended in his misery. I have been keeping him company, validating his depression and apathy and I failed to realise how much energy this has been taking out of me. Following being recently forced into change and my subsequent decision to embrace it with positively … I feel like sleeping beauty having awoken refreshed for a dark dreamless sleep. Change is inevitable. … and it feels good!
Serendipity? I’m not sure but last night I received a call from him and I refused to talk about our childhood and the usual misfortunes that are always discussed. I said that I realised that he was feeling very low, but the excuses and reasons for his outlook were wearing thin. I continued, we are no longer children, subjected to the whims of others, and whilst we may or may not have reason enough to justify feeling a myriad of malign emotions, we are old enough to make the choice to continue treading the same old path or just make better decisions. Unfortunate things just happen and we cannot erase them. Simple as! He ended our conversations saying ‘thanks, I feel better’…. I smiled.
and then…. I got an email this afternoon….
In a message dated 17/02/2008 13:37:34 GMT Standard Time, xxxx writes:
I have a load of shit to deal with Ellie. I vanish sometimes. I’m sorry.
When I like someone too much I run away
Would you understand that?
Could you?
My reply would ordinarily be ‘yes yes, but of course’….. for I am the sickly accepting sort, no angst with life and those living it around me. But I’ve been confused, out dated in my ethos that life should be lead without causing harm unto others and that I have a duty as a human to reach out where I can to my fellow beings, so that they can know a kindness that can restore love.
I wouldn’t want to change my belief that people matter, however, I do myself and others in turn a great disservice if I do not trust in them to have the ability to make their own lives good. By shouldering no more than my own responsibilities and giving what support I can out of love and not a false sense of obligation, I can be limitless in my bounty knowing that it was always be replenished.
My reply?
Life happens…. We all deal with ’shit’….. life is meant to be full of peaks n troughs … each of us have a choice — to surrender to the river of life and be exhilarated by the journey or cling to the riverbank too terrified to let go. No one can change your perception except you. Do I understand? … oh yes. Will I wait around? … unlikely. I’m a free spirit who refuses to shackle themselves to others. Either we swim along together or we don’t. I’m going forward … are you?
The question remains now. … will they understand?
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