Sunday 20 November 2005

Over and Out

Control
You draw close and my skin reaches for you with every follicle...
desire flashes the length of me like a caged animal, pulsing
But I say nothing, do nothing - confusion strikes my thoughts
Scattering all the words I had to spit at you, aimed to bite hard

Anger melts into a pool of liquid regret, I am mute before you
I am betrayed by my own emotions which will not call to heel
Primed and loaded the vitriolic sheet slithers softly on deaf ears
and is not heard. Tho' the acid touch burns me deep, I am still

Hatred mixes with love and passion brews into a heady cocktail
I drink the bile back down and swallow hard on choked profanities
Blood courses through my world blinding my clarity with craving
Every fibre of me lurks to your touch, reviles in silent protest

Enveloped I am destroyed, conquered and defeated once more
My captor searches oblivious to the turbulence set to detonate
Toxic shock - lips touch - primal spark - basic greed into need
Sightless possession in a vice grip, yanks me to a tainted destination

Saturday 19 November 2005

Another Game

The game
Rip me deep and grate me with a slicer, then peel aside the skin
It's semantic when you choose where this journey should begin
Maybe follow another's road map, displayed in twisting scars
Or carve your own unique design to place me further behind bars

Slit away each layer and gorge upon the rows of reeking debris
Smear yourself with victory, the fruits from this flawless killing spree
Altho' each delicious dissection made with the grace of Fred Astaire
Did you even noticed...... I was never there?

Your game was only ever solitaire!

Wednesday 16 November 2005

Down on the Farm (part 2)

Mad David's Patio
David always thinks big, he works out and is extremely full of muscle. One of his big projects was his patio. There are unfortunately no pictures here but it is a huge width of the house affair - going out about the same distance, with a 4 foot feature wall around. Mad David also plans things with a progression step by step approach...  so having began the job, he realised he'd need to shift all the earth so found an old Mini (probably in a skip i didn't encourage him to explain by asking) and turned it into a four wheeled trailer, about 5 foot in height.

He'd then drive home every day after work and spend a few hours shovelling more earth into the trailer.

His house has an extension where the garage used to be so to get the earth to the front he loads up his digger (see separate entry) and drives through the extension to the trailer which is parked at the front on the farm track (for easy access he claims!!)

Come the weekend he went to the dump to empty the earth. He has a massive industrial looking car that could pull anything so doesn't think anything is amiss till he comes to empty the trailer. Then it dawns on him. 2 weeks of industrious excavating has given him a completely full trailer that he cannot empty.(unless he stayed at the dump for two days emptying it) Oh dear.

Back home he welds a few bolts here, a few bits of metal there and the odd boat winch to make a tipping system. He can't of course test it until he gets to the dump when if it breaks he will damage the trailer and/or the car, cos he'll have to spend another two weeks refilling it again! But lucky as ever it works first time and he begins the first of many earth dumping trips..... and that's what he calls labour saving!...

QUESTION -

Is it morally and ethically wrong to spy on your neighbours?

Monday 17 October 2005

Down on the Farm (part 1)

Too much time on my hands!
i have to say I think my neighbour's insane... He's one of them guys who's jst down right odd...Should you ever meet 'David' following my advice he is best treated with those nifty white jackets with arm straps:- i mean his name is 'David' and he married a 'Dorothy'.... not odd I hear you say? Well no... but then they had three kids and named then all starting with 'd's' too!..... I can jst imagine them now, thinking it was a damn clever and witty idea to name all their kids so that the whole family started with the letter 'D'.... now THAT'S odd....

Not convinced? Need more proof?? hmmm.......

Here’s one of his nuggets of wisdom - two summers ago when I asked my other neighbour to water my plants whilst I was on holiday

Need to water your plants? - attach 8 programmable timers to one tap and your PCs parallel port and write a C++ widget.  What? He's mad I tell you Mad!!!

And as if you need any more convincing....

  • Can't completely own a dog? - buy shares in one with the in-laws.
  • Can't decide about moving house? - send round the father-in-law with his doglike (in fact is it a dog/ part owned by me) barometer.

ok ok.... I might have exaggerated those..... but the first is straight up!

Dotty David's Garden Improvements

Mad David has a life scheme where the outcome of his current plan dictates what happens next.(I think he went on a LEAP training session once and took it literally).  First he boarded up part of his loft - not in the humble way that you and I would do it. No No.. he moved the water tank, the access hole/ladder and incorporated a hatch for dropping/raising stuff directly from roof to the garage. (Which is handy for squatter's access should they every need or find it) He reinforced everything then moved a gym and a pinball machine up there for all the 'd' children who now no longer live at home!!

Next he built himself a dumper truck/van thing, unfortunately I have no photographic proof, jst his assurances that he needed one. Unfortunately he did this whilst doing an extension/conservatory/open barn attached to his house so there was no room to complete it....... except ...

YES....  that's right he built it in his newly converted and reinforced loft!!. When asked how he said - "it comes to bits". I'm not sure if he meant the vehicle or the loft! but i did the neighbourly thing and smiled encouragingly, mostly in an attempt to try to avoid the look of utter horror that i felt.

One of his passions is high voltages. He has a shed one particular shed that has 7 Oscillators in it and enough equipment for Dr Frankenstein to make the complete cast of friends.

After much probing i discovered the plan is to use the dumper truck/ vehicle to dig a hole for an ornamental pond - maybe you should read lake. Now as he does this, he is levelling out another area of his garden with the excavated soil. Which area? The area under his shed (no...  not the one that glows with so many volts). He jacks up this shed and stores the earth underneath it!! (Still with me??)

Unfortunately there's a fly in the ointment. (not to mention the rhino sized defect of the whole bloody scheme!)... Its the runway that masquerades as their patio (see next blog entry) has reduced his garden size a bit, in fact, so much so that he needs a new shed and the only way to fit it in with the scheme of things and without using one of the farm fields.......  is to build it over the pond on stilts!!! I kid you not!!!!

Now there's some pictures I am looking forward to.........


Thursday 6 October 2005

The Power of Attraction

Attraction's a funny old game innit.....
have you ever wondered why you seem to loose you're mind when you become attracted to someone and eventually find out that they aren't the kind of person you want to be around after all?

Don't be too hard on yourself..... It’s all down to an unspoken fantasy world that no one admits nor talks about.... it’s a universally denied fact of human thinking....

well, when I say unspoken - till now!!!

Imagine with me this.....

Papers, reports and a diary are strewn on the table before him; a couple of books are marked and open face down. This highly intelligent and usually very diligent man is unable of holding a coherent thought.... a woman is seated in the same railway carriage, jst across the aisle. After looking impassively out of the window for a while, she turned her attention to a pile of magazines and begins to flick thro' them..... She reminds the man of a portrait he saw once, which made him feel strangely moved and saddened, in a museum a few years ago.

He scrutinises her with the same interest, noticing her short brown hair, she's wearing jeans, a pair of trainers and a canary yellow V neck sweater over a white T-shirt. He also notices an incongruously large watch on her pale freckled wrist. He imagines running his hand thro' her chestnut hair, caressing the back of her neck, sliding his hand inside the sleeve of her jumper, watching her fall asleep beside him, her lips slightly agape. His mind wanders more, to imagine living with her in a house in south London, in a cherry-tree lined street he speculates that she maybe a cellist or a graphic designer or a doctor specialising in genetic research.

His mind turns over strategies for conversation. He considers asking her for the time, for a pencil, for directions to the loo's, for reflections on the weather, for a look at one of her magazines. He longs for a train crash, in which their carriage would be thrown into one of the vast barley fields thro' which they are passing. In the chaos, he would guide her safely outside, and repair with her to a nearby tent set up by the ambulance service, where they would be offered lukewarm tea and stare into each other's eyes. Years later, they would attract interest by revealing that they had met in the tragic Edinburgh to London express collision.

But because the train seems disinclined to derail, and the man knew that possibility was a touch absurd, he cleared his throat, leant over to ask the angel if she might have a spare ball-point pen. Its a simple act but to him it feels like he's jumping off the side of a very high bridge and what lies below is unknown....

The power of attraction can interrupt anyone, at any hour, even great minds and powerful people fall victim to its charms. So powerful is its command that it can demand the sacrifice of... health, wealth, status and even happiness...... now that's what i call FAITH and HOPE!!

Monday 19 September 2005

Rapture

I wish I knew a word to help you heal inside,
or a million words in a poem that I could write.
I'd kiss your lips forever or till all the pain was gone,
tearing down the walls from those not worthy of your love.

I held you close and felt your heart beat to time,
but as we lay there longer I saw the beating was both yours and mine
Don't be afraid of you or me or if they'll be an us,
love can come and go and it's all built on trust
No I do not love you but in time I surely would,
because the very breath you are breathing I am breathing too

Sunday 18 September 2005

Jigsaws

The way I see it, people's lives are like a jigsaw (not a box of chocolates!) - lots of individual pieces all making up the sum total of who they are. Each person becomes a product of their past - they are shaped by events and people who scatter this jigsaw.
This is  what happened to me....

Over the years different people have had some of my pieces - some had stolen them and wouldn't give them back, some I’d presented pieces to, but they'd bend, break or lose them and didn’t seem to care.

All my life's energy seems to have been spent trying to keep tabs on all these different pieces, and boy was that hard work cos they were all so far apart. Some even where I had to hunt for them, cos I couldn’t remember where they were or even find them.  

Eventually, when I’d more or less gotten all my pieces back and before I began to get to know myself... I’d keep them in a sellotaped box under a floorboard under my bed, where no-one could mess with them! I just didn’t know what to do with them.

I didn’t trust myself enough to look at my jigsaw pieces. To just see if I could make anything of it. I was scared that it might not fit back together again, and that they'd become scattered again, and even that the picture might not be pretty . Being curious, I eventually sneaked a peek and got the boat right first time, but the grass, mountains and river really foxed me.

Not so long ago I met someone who I thought I might trust enough to share my jigsaw with. I was impressed cos they seemed sure that they knew how it'll look when it's finished.

It's a strange feeling that altho' its not completely finished yet, at least all the pieces are laid out on a board in full view, no longer hidden away and guarded, and I like them being there. I feel they're safe and secure, and will be well looked after. It's a shared jigsaw now and I don’t feel scared.

There is no hurry to finish the jigsaw, there are a hundred and one other things to enjoy... gardening while the weather's fine, picnicking when the sun shines, DIY when I can be arse and painting I’m feeling creative etc.

I have to admit I feel nothing but admiration and gratitude to this wonderful person who often seems to know me better than I could ever know myself... thro' them I have discovered that it's no good trying to wedging the pieces in where they just won't fit - No one but me even touches the jigsaw now. But I am delighted that they still observes me sneaking up to the board every so often and putting one of the pieces into place where it fits so snugly... I can only hope they congratulate himself for 'helping' me work out where it goes! As I congratulate myself for knowing someone who, like Socrates, knew that you cannot teach anyone anything, all you can do is make them think.

Tuesday 6 September 2005

The Very Nature of Things

A Snake's Tale   There once was a man who went walking deep into the woods which surrounded his home. It was winter and a hard cruel ice captured the passing autumn colours in its freezing grip.... As the man crunched over the frozen landscape he scanned the slippery surface for anything that might catch his attention. This was his way - he always was looking.  
The day was beginning to surrender to the night's call and judging the distance back to his home, which was buried deep within the forest, the man about turned and began to retrace his own steps, still visible in the ice laden carpet. The return journey was always quicker, for the scenery was already discarded to his sight and he made good time. It was still some distance from his home, when the winter walker realised he needed to relieve himself. Without a thought to cover himself, for there were no prying eyes to cause him to hide in shame, he lowered his trousers...  

 It was in that moment that the man spied a most unusual pattern in the ice. ... although the colours merged seamlessly, the pattern stood out as vividly as if it were a bloody red rose. His momentary need for relief was forgotten, as he bent forward with intrigue, to catch a closer look. The warmth from his hand softens and loosens the surface leaves and debris to reveal a most unusual find.  

Gently, the man worked to dislodge his prize from its incarceration. Free at last, he held up a solid mass of a snake. Its coils were perfectly formed like a rock candy lollipop, but cold and heavy. With a new disregard for his surroundings the discoverer headed for the warmth of his home.  

Once home, the man dedicated himself to tending to the stricken reptile. He laid it in a basket close to the wood burning stove. He removed the tiniest sheets of ice as they loosened themselves from the out coils. Throughout a night watch he attentively ministered to his small treasure, mindful of keeping the speed of temperature to a steady pace.  

As the night stars receded once more into an invisible back drop, the snake began to ripple its own movements. Slowly. Painfully. Exhausted the man fell into a deep contented slumber, smug in the knowledge that he had done a good thing. The rest of the early day dripped slowly around with the clock hands, and eventually the miracle maker woke to gaze once more upon his beautiful charge.  

The snake, was quiet, disorientated and somewhat bemused by his frozen slumber. The man continued to tend the tiny beast, building its strength and its vigour back to its formal glory. The snake, submitted to the man's attention, caresses and inspections - with a quiet detached respect. The man would spend many hours talking to the snake, musing over its beautiful colours and patterns, recounting the tale of his lucky survival and the snake listened with an impassive ear.  

Many days had passed when the snake hissed to the man 'Do not pick me up, i do not like to be fondled that way'.... the man staggered back with amazement! How could you be this way with me? Have i not tended you, rescued you and brought you back to life?....  a long pause followed and the snake did not answer.  

The man became angry at the snake and wailed about the injustice of his treatment, in return for his compassion. Again, the snake remained silent.

The man shook the basket, trying to stir a reaction from the snake. The shaken snake remained unmoved despite the vigour of the movement. Beside himself with rage the man thrust a hand towards the basket rim. 'Do not touch me, I do not like to be touched this way' came a low hiss from within.

Unable to contain himself the man, ploughed on his course to sail a hand into the snake's lair. As his hand gripped around a cool, soft coil, the snake struck hard and fast. He bite the hand that grasped him in a way he did not like.  

Shocked and stunned the man backed into one of his fireside chairs. Continuing to view the snake as he had done for many a day and night now.... 'You vile creature, why do you do this to me?.... how can you not love me in the way I have grown to love you?' 'Have you no heart?'  

The snake, slithered from his sick bed towards the house door, seemingly unaffected by the man's apparent horror, at the events which had jst unfolded.  

'Do... do.... do you not hear me at all?'  The man stuttered. 'Can you show no gratitude?'  

To which the snake paused, raised its neck to meet the man's confused gaze and replied, ' I am a snake, why do you expect me to behave in a way other than that which i am designed to do by nature? Did you really think that you could change the very nature of a snake?'.... and that said the snake departed the lodge.    

Looks like Rain!

Raining...
Today it rained, raining much like everyday and yet...
The softness and rhythm of the droplets seemed to me to whisper
That a reprieve might reign for a while and happen along my way.
Light pierced the glumness to settle as a kaleidoscopic ribbon
That draped its glory over everything its brilliance reached, i smiled.

I surveyed the wild surrounding, as I'd done so many times before
And altho' the view familiar, an uneasy shift had taken place
The wind had changed direction and I could smell it in the air
A change so overpowering, it was as tangible as what I saw there
I wonder the cost I'd have to pay to this calmness that was brewing

I watched as the murky skies were breathing rich life onto the land
When the clouds briefly held their tears and I swore I felt it yet again
I turned my back upon reality, to seek the safe exclusion of my room
To wait till for what was coming knowing I would not be able to resist
You, a lost blackbird, tapped upon my window, I stooped to set the fire

The flames I failed to notice as you drink in the essence of my soul
As there you stood, I felt the levy being drained from deep within me
And then wished that I might have chosen to deal myself a better hand
I turned my face from your direction whilst you rape my fragile heart
And gazed upon the rain clouds and knew the rain would come agai

Sunday 4 September 2005

Empty Spaces

Don't go.....

don't go where i cant follow
and leave me stranded in this way
bring me hope of a tomorrow
she cried with unashamed dismay

don't go where i cant follow
and leave me with this bitter taste
cant you see this perfect hollow
don't leave its comfort in such haste

don't go where i cant follow
know that you belong right here
my strength is yours to borrow
she pleaded wiping away a tear

don't go where i cant follow
she whispered softly to the black
and listened as her own sorrow
was the only echo coming  back







The Northern Star

Humility contributes to a solution....... and silence goes barefoot...

Friday 26 August 2005

State of Confusion

The knot

There is something I don’t know,
that I am supposed to know.
I don’t know what it is I don’t know.

And I feel I look stupid,
if I seem both not to know it
and not to know what it is I don’t know.

This is nerve-racking since
I don’t know what I must pretend to know.
Therefore I pretend to know everything.

I feel you know what I am supposed to know,
but you cant tell me what it is because
you don’t know that I don’t know what it is.

You may know what I don’t know –
but not that I don’t know it.
And I can’t tell you.

So…..

you will have to tell me EVERYTHING!!