MERRY CHRISTMAS - GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

Forgotten how much I like drawing and doodling.. perhaps I should be creating my Christmas Cards for next year!... In the meantime.. here's a sneaky peek readers

PUBLIC NOTICE: LOCAL HERO NO LONGER REQUIRED

Yet again the North East of Scotland is where its all happening. Notwithstanding the feral bull episode or the lost whale washed up on Balmedie beach, it seems that the forces of nature are now joining in with the efforts of Donald Trump in ruining Aberdeenshire's tourist industry.

Anyone over the age of 35 will remember the iconic film 'local hero'. You know the one with the red telephone on the harbour scene? Well it seems that the village this was filmed isn't handling its fame very well... following bouts of depression, not taking care of itself and being over run with tourists, the village of Pennan is now splitting at the seams.

Recent concerns about the cliffs overhanging the village have begun to rupture, threatening to destroy the village below but the local authority is urging people not to panic as they have the situation in hand. Their plan is to bond the cracks in the rocks with 'nails'. Yes you read right - NAILS.

The idea is that long nails is all that is required to fix the rock problem. I'm actually surprised at this level of stupidity even from Aberdeenshire Council.. I mean, haven't they heard of 'Nomorenails'?

LOCAL WILDLIFE QUITS IN DISGUST

Speculation continues into the case of the beached sperm whale found on Balmedie Beach. Wildlife experts have reported that the animal had been suffer breathing problems and as a result of these problems come ashore to die.

I have a fancy that this report to be slightly misleading. I may not be a marine biologist but even i know that a whale out of water would suffer breathing problems... mostly due to its mammoth body weight crushing its lungs surely?

No, I believe that the whale was drawn to the area by the mounting tales of fame, fortune and mega bucks about to rain down upon this stretch of coast, following the recent decision to let Mr Trump fix the Foveran links, build a mini spanish holiday complex, a profitable housing estate, staff homes and oh lets not forget the golf course.

But having arrived the poor whale realised that he'd only be joining a white elephant spectacle and suffering an acute case of disillusionment decided to stage an intelligent protest on behalf of the local wildlife and commit hari kari...

News Flash from Cowland!

Breaking news in Cowland - of such importance as to be announced over the local radio waves.

WARNING!ALERT! DANGER
Warning all drivers travelling north. A bull has escaped and is creating problems on the A90 just beside the 'Cock n' Bull' pub! (Who could imagine such irony in one wee story?) Drivers are advised to slow down and expect delays whilst the rampaging bull is brought under control.

I know I should've thought 'Oh no'... but what I actually thought was 'Great!' I mean who wouldn't be delighted by the prospect of a photo shoot of headline story calibre?

It was on my way home - Check
The traffic would be slow if not at a standstill - Check
I had my camera - Check

Ah ah... finally, I'd make it - Paparazzi photographer for the Aberdeen Angus! And obviously they'd be so impressed with my top quality photos and my dedication from being 'at' the scene so quickly that's they'd offer me a job on the spot. I was already planning my next camera lens choice when I came upon the 'crime scene'.

.... the traffic was indeed slow moving. (more than the usual rush hour? I couldn't tell). As I drew ever closer my sweaty hand gripped my camera, ready to let forth a burst of activity. Eagle eyed I scoured the verges on either side only to discover the whole exaggerated truth.

There was NO bull, only a teeny tiny white Aberdeen Angus calf munching lush forbidden grass on the wrong side of the fence! I was so disgusted by the media hype that I didn't stop to take a photo and I and my fellow travellers speed away it dawned on me that the reason everyone was slowing down was because no one could see the 'raging bull'

So its clear, the Aberdeen Angus is nowt but a low life, double dealing, public misleading tabloid paper. Not worth spending the five minutes it takes to read every article cover to cover!

Administrator extraordinaire!

Captain’s log 2510

The final frontier has been breached and there is nothing anyone can do… Scotty can be heard shouting from the engine room, ‘you cannae push her any faster’… but did they listen?
The sweet tones of Uhura points out the obvious, ‘negative cap’in!’

Things have been a bit frantic around the office and it would seem that the offices' calm exterior has been breached. After another busy day down at the ranch I left the office with a file tucked underneath my arm. With a casual glance over my shoulder I stepped out the front door of the office Building ready for a nonchalant saunter along the cars to my own. Where in my minds eye I had already jumped inside and was melting into the comfort of the seat, when it happened.

A slight tip of my elbow and swoosh!

GLADIATORS READY? CONTENDER READY?

The loose content of the file which had, until that moment been perfectly balanced, emptied onto the street! EEK, you know those days where the wind is calm and the cloud is free from the promise of rain? Well it wasn't exactly like that. And having been released from the confines of a lever arch file... the papers started a marathon sprint for freedom!. No time for Mel Gibson's blue battle faces. It was me and those pesky papers in a duel of wits and reactions.

I was confident, right up until the point when my briefcase joined in! The traitor! It wrapped its handles around my right arm so tightly that I felt like I was being restrained by Mr. Tickle! Where did all this handle length come from!?

So there I was rooting around the gravel like a pig snuffling in potato peelings when suddenly the wind blew! The car park explodes into a veritable maelstrom of A4 paper, with me in the middle of it, arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Did I make it in time? Alas no, despite valiant effort is in vain. Some of the paper escapes...

At that moment it occurred to me how many windows the front of the office actually has. Such viewing potential that I'd never even noticed before. Oh the shame, the shame of it all!

As a mark of revenge tomorrow I will mostly be shredding paper… and I'm going to set my laser printer to stun….

David Bailey 'does' Huntly

A right royal pain in the proverbial!

What else would I be doing at the weekend, but to hone my stealth like reflexes by tracking and hunting** wildlife ... Ah yes, the wind in my hair, the mud .. (that is mud right?) under my feet, off I went in search of wildlife models.

(**DISCLAIMER - hunting only with camera's. No animals were hurt in the making of this blog entry)

Eager to capture the wildlife of Scotland with as little effort as possible, I made my way to the Huntly Bird of Prey Centre. The long drive to Huntly did nothing to dampen my spirits nor stem my creative juices'. I didn't event get disappointed when I discovered that a hill which was bellowing like it was on fire turned out to be all smoke and no action shots. But...

... upon arriving at the Falconry centre I discovered that it was closed to visitors for the winter. Oh rats! My lazy foolproof plan was foiled! Or was it?

By chance I encountered a couple of Stags too engrossed in each other than to give any notice to me. I started happy snapping like the shutterbug I was born to be - enjoying the opportunity I had been given. The stags seem to be giving me that knowing look, you know the one, the one like they enjoyed getting their photos taken. I began to fantasise that they probably were supermodels in a previous life. And there in lies my mistake... whilst my mind was elsewhere I failed to realise that I and my clicky camera were now the object of both their aggression male interest.

The moment I took the camera away from my eye Irealised how big and close they really were! EEK... now i've been in a few scrapes before now and I've always prided myself on my ability to think quickly and problem solve, but in that moment all I could come up with was throwing the apple i'd taken with me to the ground and running away. Like a small child's panic around a wasp I dumped my apple and legged it....

Despite being a toot scared, having short legs and carrying a camera in hand I managed to climb over a barbwire fence and back to my car, thus narrowly dodging the dominant males very close up attention

And as my heart rate recovered back in the safety of my car and I was still smarting from indignation at having been chased by an animal with half my brain capacity, the remote thought that someone might've seen me crossed my mind. If you see a camcorder movie of a similar event - it's probably me. I bet David Bailey doesn't have these problems!

Chanting works! I know it does, I know it does!

I have a great job... I love my job... I work with wonderful
people... I have a great job...
I love my job... I DO work
with wonderful people... I DO
have a great job... I love my
job... I love my job...I do...
I do.. don't I??

Couldn't put it off any longer... the holidays are now officially over.

Holiday Diary -

Tuesday 7 April 2008.12:61
I awoke and contemplated moving. I decided it would be too energetic to move, and reckoned it would be sensible to pace myself for some excitement later, so I went back to sleep.

13:86
I went into the living room and rested on the sofa. Tired from resting I made a cup of tea and, too tired to lift it to my mouth; I imagined my drinking it and fell into a deep coma.

15:-1
I looked out of my window and, conscious of the forecast stormy weather, I went back to sleep.

Tomorrow 6:00
I awoke to find a tumultuous storm raining down and flooding the farm track. Within 10 minutes my whole house was floating on a tide of distraught neighbours and acid rain. I hastily lashed together all my bed sheets and made make shift sails. Threw my children out of the window... to lighten the load...

The next Day
After waking from a nightmare filled sleep I looked out of the window and noticed that i had indeed missed my first day back at work... and was heading towards France. Quickly I fashioned a stripy top and a string of onions out of a bicycle clip, some string.. and 2 table legs.

As I headed towards the French shore, I prepared myself for the worst. Luckily I knew the French language like I knew my own and that was good as I was need it ain't I yes!!!!!

The sea was rough but with my extensive knowledge of seafaring....... I careered into a fishing boat. The captain was a nice man who fed me while warning of the impending doom which awaited me when I finally reached the beach at Le Havre, his warning in mind, I instantly - did nothing.

Thank god the holidays are over... I'm exhausted.....!!

Look Out! The Knives are Out

People never react how I expect them to... social conduct is so engrained that its hard to folks who act beyond them.

I was out shopping with my two boy, who had decided that their father would like a set of knives for his 40th birthday - despite already haven't bought other gifts previously. But what can you do - if i don't agree and buy them, i look tight and bitter cos i don't want to spend my hard earned money on my ex-husband (ok mebbe not that hard earned... work with me people! work with me here!!) and if i do buy a set of knives i can't shake the symbolism of the phrase 'out to get him with knives).

Truth is there isn't much angst between my kids' dad and I and I don't imagine for one minute he'd think twice about whatever we bought for him, s'longs it wasn't free and it was useful. So i agree.. i never could resist the look of my children's begging expressions even tho' in reality where there was once squishy, sweet baby faces there now resides the handsome chiseled faces of young men.

Ah the passage of time is a sneaky customer!

So we trundle off to the shop to find a set of chef's knives fit for a king (or at least that's what I'm told). Browsing thro' the plethora of knife choices, I can't help feeling a bit dumb. I didn't realise there was such a selection. I mean, who knew... except perhaps those in the Jamie Oliver brigade.

The other thought that keep recurring, makes me smile, which at least makes it appear to my boys that I'm fully in the spirit of buying for the ex! I love the irony of buying knives with a 'life time guarantee' for someone's 40th birthday. I'm glad of the smile it provides.

After much debate and picking up and putting down they make their selection. Which they hand to me drawing my attention to a label on the back warning us that only people who are over 18 can purchase these products. On the surface, it would seem very sensible. However, as my 16 year old pointed out to me - he could be married with a house of his own but no knives. He is of course correct! Who makes up these ridiculous, knee jerk reactions and rules.... what's more my wicked minds starts to ponder - who follows them!

We get to the checkout and after just a short wait we off load in the checkout of a young cool looking operator. He's got piercing that just looking at make my eyes water. But hes a pleasant fellow and being lovely he strikes up a conversation which i take and run away with as follows

Cool dude hey, are you over 18?

Me no

Cool dude oh, erm....

(he assumes i'm joking with him ... which of course i am. I can't think of any 38 year old who can get away with looking under 18, even short ones like me!)

~~~~ nervous tension ~~~~~

SILENCE......

Cool dude that's a lot of knives, you like cooking?

Me no, i'm setting up a new gang...'fat mo's' you wanna join?

Cool dude ...

Me

Cool dude do you want a bag for them?

Me no point, i'm jst about to use them.....


(cool dude .... takes money and hands over knives)

Cool dude have a nice day!

Me It will be now.....

Ok so mebbe that was all mildly amusing, well at least it was for me... from my childrens' groans I can only assume that they were less than impressed yet again at their mother's behaviour. But to me it does illustrate that altho' the law is clear and most of us know what is right and wrong... there is still that lingering politeness in social situations that hampers and masks our outrage. I guess that old saying '"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke) sums up a historical struggle between good and evil. Question is, how come when our own reactions are so lacking in conviction are we so quick to condemn others who do not act in the face of evil?

I'll leave you to ponder that whilst go gift wrap knives!