Murder on the parquet floor!!

The deed is done…. my beautiful yellow and red fridge/freezer has been put out to pasture. Where it once stood comforting and familiar is a new shiny replacement… looking awkward and sheepish.

But like the strange beast it had become it didn’t go without a scene… as the delivery men carted the doomed appliance away … I was shocked and appalled to discover a whole cat underneath the place where it had stood…. when I say a whole cat it was a hairy cat without the cat! I know I’m not a cleaning goddess but I sure did move it from side to side to sweep out under it when washing the kitchen floor… but I realised as one of the men stumbled to avoid the newly released cat that ’side-to-side’ is not enough…. I blushed as they spirited away my old friend. Then ran for the dustpan and brush before they could get back into the house in the vain hope that they might really believe it was indeed a cat that had now scampered off to do some ‘hunting and fishing’ as cats often do.

Once the hubbub was over, I surveyed my kitchen… it felt strange. Like having a big (new) white elephant in the room overshadowing everything else… I’m sure we’ll rub along nicely until the newness wears off, the smell of packaging disappears and the top has a fluffy dust cover…. but for now placing items in it seemed odd and evoked thoughts of ‘there’s no room’ and ‘I’m sure my old fridge was bigger’…. I know I know…. up until recently I had only half a freezer because the other half was frozen solid so the freezer is massive by comparison and the fridge altho’ smaller is happy to chill, and only chill food. How come I don’t feel over joyed?

I’m going to read my owners manual on how to make friends with your new goods and find out what all the random extra ‘bits n bobs’ are for and to help me decide if I should keep them or not… at least I’ll be distracted me from my crime of killing off a perfectly good (albeit identity confused) fridge/freezer!

Copy Cat

“All change is not growth,
as all movement is not forward.”

Ellen Glasgow


…and so my recent struggles have proven. You see about a week ago I decided to defrost my freezer… it was long overdue, having lost one drawer to a frozen sealed tomb, I was in danger of another drawer flat lining on me. I’m ashamed to say despite my age I’m not a very domesticated person and found that my focus for the fun of defrosting soon went away. So in an attempt to speed up the process I consulted the oracle of all things domestic - my mother. She suggested that a basin of boiling water would do the trick in no time. Simply keep replacing the water to keep the heat up.

Hmm….. as I put down the phone I wasn’t at all reassured about this idea being ’speedier’… in fact I had my suspicions that not only would I have to chip away ice and mop up wet patches with towels but now I’d have to keep filling and boiling a kettle… empty and replenish a basin… Oh no this was sounding way more complex..

I boiled the kettle whilst I was thinking… one cup o’ tea later, I had a steaming idea! I have a carpet cleaner (not entirely sure how to use it but I have it for show purposes)… and this gadget has attachments sorta like my vacuum cleaner… lateral thinking mode fully engaged = use said steaming attachments to blast thro’ the ice! Excellent! how could this fail?

I have to say there weren’t that many attachments in the massive box so it wasn’t as complex a set up as I’d first worried about. My idea of steaming the ice off worked.. and in the blink of an eye (ok a rather lazy, sleepy eye) the job was done.. all ice was transformed into a liquid sea with floating orange crumbs and fragments of cardboard boxes. I stood back and surveyed my newly rescued drawers with pride. Swung shut the gleaming door and went to bed.

Overnight, it would seem that my fridge became very jealous of all the attention lavished upon the freezer and started to freeze its own content… with the exception of bacon and eggs (well actually I wasn’t so sure about the eggs so decided to throw them away just in case). I have no idea how long my fridge has harboured a secret desire to become a freezer. Or perhaps it wasn’t a case of envy, but rather that it felt disgruntled at being overlooked in the makeover the freezer received.

Or… maybe this was the perfect moment to exact its revenge for feeling so utterly used, as my family and I thoughtlessly rooted around inside before ultimately leaving it empty. I mean, the last thing I needed now I had liberated all the drawer space in my freezer was more freezer room! A cunningly planned justice, laced with sweet irony. How cruel and inconvenient life has become without knowing if the food I place in my fridge will be chilled or frozen by morning… so cruel that I had to take drastic action.

“every little helps”… the swipe of a bankcard brings the final betrayal of my customised fridge/freezer, and purchase a replacement. A new combination free from job confusion!… I take my receipt from the lovely shop assistant and ask ‘when can I expect it to be delivered’.. a simple question surely. Not entirely unexpected I’m sure as is the way with buying and selling items… once you pay you get the goodies. This has been the way of exchange for a very long time… but it would seem that I was now asking awkward questions… the fixed smile she worn slid from her face like an ice-cream from a tilted cone… ‘I don’t know. Do you want me to check?’… ‘erm.. yes please’. …. ‘well.. they are in stock, but it won’t be before a year on Monday’… ‘PARDON???’…. ‘I said it wont be before a week on Monday’… hmm… is it me or does the phrase its in stock imply that they’re there stored and ready to be unstored?? Apparently, it is me. As a shopper I’m expecting too much for my money in wanting to receive the goods there and then or at least the next day. She shrugs at me ‘ is that ok?’…. what can I say besides … ‘do I have a choice, you have my money now’….

Back home when I walk back into my kitchen and place my shopping bags on the worktop, I can’t look at my fridge/freezer… all wide eyed with expectation at what I have brought home for them from my shopping trip. I feel awful in the knowledge that I will soon be unable to gaze upon the yellow and red doors that I lovingly spray painted… I place tins and jars into the cupboards putting off the inevitable… I deserve a fridge that behaves, it’s not my fault this one has going barking mad and believes it is a freezer… I mean, I had no choice…. right?..

I open the yellow door to place in some fresh vegetables and gasp in shock… nothing is frozen any more!!!… The milk is cool, the butter is hard but not solid… what is this trickery?? What have I done!!!!! I’ve bought a new fridge/freezer when the old one has settled back down after its hissy fit of jealously… and it arrives t’moro. I feel like i’ve dismissed an old and trusted friend all because I hadn’t the patience to understand.

Twenty Four little Hours

What a difference a change in perspective makes. … I’m back to my usual self. … Haemorrhaging energy and creativity. I know some folks find me ‘too much’ or ‘odd’ … but I’m okay with that. I don’t need anyone but me to like me. … and if a few others do too … all’s the better. What a bonus. (you know who you are … and yes this really is about you )

Increasingly I’m seeing the difference between being unhappy and being stuck in an unhappy moment in time. Everyone gets down in the dumps. If we didn’t experience the lows how could we savour the highs as someone no doubt famous and very clever once wrote. But what I’m noticing is the large numbers of individuals who have become entrenched in a miserable time in their lives, and then go on to re-created situations and events in order to relive that emotion. So much so that they have made themselves a victim in their own lives, feeling persecuted and put upon … without ever realising that it is them who are keeping themselves enslaved in this manner.

Worse still, my blinkers are off and I’m beginning to realise how many of these people there are in the world….. and more significantly around me. Amongst them is a close member of my family who has been draining my veracity for two years now. … my love for him has found me putting my own life on hold. … I’ve been stuck, suspended in his misery. I have been keeping him company, validating his depression and apathy and I failed to realise how much energy this has been taking out of me. Following being recently forced into change and my subsequent decision to embrace it with positively … I feel like sleeping beauty having awoken refreshed for a dark dreamless sleep. Change is inevitable. … and it feels good!

Serendipity? I’m not sure but last night I received a call from him and I refused to talk about our childhood and the usual misfortunes that are always discussed. I said that I realised that he was feeling very low, but the excuses and reasons for his outlook were wearing thin. I continued, we are no longer children, subjected to the whims of others, and whilst we may or may not have reason enough to justify feeling a myriad of malign emotions, we are old enough to make the choice to continue treading the same old path or just make better decisions. Unfortunate things just happen and we cannot erase them. Simple as! He ended our conversations saying ‘thanks, I feel better’…. I smiled.

and then…. I got an email this afternoon….

In a message dated 17/02/2008 13:37:34 GMT Standard Time, xxxx writes:
I have a load of shit to deal with Ellie. I vanish sometimes. I’m sorry.
When I like someone too much I run away
Would you understand that?
Could you?

My reply would ordinarily be ‘yes yes, but of course’….. for I am the sickly accepting sort, no angst with life and those living it around me. But I’ve been confused, out dated in my ethos that life should be lead without causing harm unto others and that I have a duty as a human to reach out where I can to my fellow beings, so that they can know a kindness that can restore love.

I wouldn’t want to change my belief that people matter, however, I do myself and others in turn a great disservice if I do not trust in them to have the ability to make their own lives good. By shouldering no more than my own responsibilities and giving what support I can out of love and not a false sense of obligation, I can be limitless in my bounty knowing that it was always be replenished.

My reply?

Life happens…. We all deal with ’shit’….. life is meant to be full of peaks n troughs … each of us have a choice — to surrender to the river of life and be exhilarated by the journey or cling to the riverbank too terrified to let go. No one can change your perception except you. Do I understand? … oh yes. Will I wait around? … unlikely. I’m a free spirit who refuses to shackle themselves to others. Either we swim along together or we don’t. I’m going forward … are you?

The question remains now. … will they understand?

All Change!

Things are changing for me, some are my own doing and others are out with my control and I’m feeling somewhat at sea. Then I found this …. and the future seems remarkably easy now.

“Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.”

Charles M. Schulz