Worst kind of Masquerade

Nothing can stay the same
Change shall always come
To sweep away the old ways
So the new may be begun

Wind of subtle time’s breath
Born on tides do move
What once was monumental
Down unto a hollowed groove

I look to where your hand
Has made my own feel worn
To see tissue paper thoughts
Squeezed until confetti torn

Dreams of pea green boats
Will remain locked in my head
A secret world of harmony
A companion in your stead

In hurt I cannot wish you ill
This day was bound to come
Dismiss regrets for snapshots
Let my reasons seek the sun

I will not deny a hankering
For more memories to share
But I realise time has caught us
And I must accept to leave it there…..

The Week that Was

It has been funny over this last week…

I had an important meeting with some councillors and prior to me leaving the house I’d been decorating, so I thought I’d spruce myself up and jumped into the shower… all well and good right up till half way into Aberdeen city I noticed I’d put my top on inside out!! Eek!!… Shock — embarrassment (yes I noticed my error whilst chattering on the phone to a friend, why are we never completely alone when these things happen?) — Panic (amidst the chuckling).. Where could I change? Did I have time to stop and change? How would I persuade council members to favour my project and trust me with large sums of money when I couldn’t even dress myself properly!

I was almost at the council chambers when I noticed a club house that sits in the middle of a town park… so swinging the car into its car park… I legged it to the main entrance…now it gets weird.. okay mebbe weirder!..

The front doors were locked; I could see the mortise - but….. it was locked with the doors still open!… So I snuck inside… the place was in darkness, the alarms were going off…. and I couldn’t see a soul… I danced briefly around the reception area waiting for someone to pounce out at me and demand to know why I was there…my consciousness of lack of time swelled my panic so I deciding not to hang around but to dive into the ladies toilets and sort my top… which I did…

I left the building in the same state I found it and jumped back into my car… with only five minutes spare. It wasn’t until I was back driving that I thought ‘did I set off the alarms’?… ‘mebbe the door was supposed to be locked after all’… eek…. I might’ve entered a building without permission!! Perhaps as I type I’m really a stowaway ignorant criminal……

Now…. whilst this is a tale amongst many in the narrative that is my life, what is the point in these happening if you have no one to share them with… Everyone I’ve ever encountered has been judged by me as either a ‘drain’ or a ‘radiator’…. This week I have to get used to missing the warmth of a particular radiator… it switched off without warning but the trouble with human radiators is that there isn’t a workman I can call to reinstate the heat…

The only comfort I’m left with is my belief that each of us are not an identity that exists independently… even if it appears like that. That indeed we are simply the basis of our imputation, without that concept we are dependent upon that imputation and the naming and labelling of it… so I see the radiator and I as being interdependent…. and that brings its own heat and love.

Aversion Therapy

‘fun’ is just a matter of perspective ….. ….


Calum!!! says: Hi

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Hi… now you say something….

Calum!!! says: Wanna chat hon?

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: I’d love to but… My crayons all melted together.

Calum!!! says: what the hell

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: I’d love to but… I’m sandblasting my oven

Calum!!! says: ur crazy

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: That’s what they tell me

Calum!!! says: yea well its true

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: I prefer to say i have a tendency for irrational outbursts

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: want to spend more time in my blender?

Calum!!! says: ok…what do you do with that then

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says I’m building a pig from a kit.

Calum!!! says: cool!

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: but its hard cause I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

Calum!!! says: ? ?

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: AND… I have to eat more dots jst to get thro’ the day

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: even though My subconscious says no.

Calum!!! says: ok

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Do you ever feel that you’ve left your body in your other clothes?

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: you know… like none of your socks match.. are we having ‘fun’ yet?

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Oh no You’ve gone very quiet… dont tell me your yucca plant is feeling yucky

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Damn Look at the time!!!… i have to go rotate my crops again because my uncle ran away with the pringle tree

Calum!!! says: ok calm down

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: I’m sorry about that I was temporarily insane.

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Like the time i died then got better again

Calum!!! says: ….ok im goin t block you shortly

I’m going crazy. Wanna come along? says: Oh yeah? and blame it on the cheese Roll?

Calum!!! says: …..

Super, Smashing, Lovely

If love is natural…. how come it’s in such short supply?

I am daughter, sister, mother, friend and me… readers of my blog will know I’ve spoken before about the me-ness that makes me who I am… but it seems that in my relationships with others that quality can get fudged or even forgot by the one person I should be able to rely upon championing it - ME! So urgent is my desire to be loved, appreciated and accepted that I am all too willing to set aside my own boundaries and sense of self… and increasingly it feels like I’m lying. But I don’t feel alone…. this elevator to hell is sure getting crowded…

The way I see it, we’re living in Shakespeare’s tangled web… a sinister fairytale, where each person projects appealing images of what we’d like to be like rather than what we are indeed like… lies are sprinkled as easily as icing sugar…. guilt transient and easily squashed by our vain brains… cause and effect of lying results in an increased ripple of insecurity.. which creates a second layer of projection… layer upon sickly layer of sweet personalities until it feels like I’m wading through treacle!… so depressing is this idea that I’ve even been trying to convince myself that its a figment of my imagination and not window dressing to mask the realities of honour and integrity. I’m beginning to feel conned and VERY unimpressed….

The more I ponder this the more I notice that life seems to be filled with a steady stream of lonely souls searching…some of them are clear in what they seek and others are blind but search all the same. Misconnected.. Misdirected… Misguided and often Mistaken… but it all adds up to the same thing… lovelessness… Ghandi once said ‘be the changes you want to see in the world’…. now I believe if people took that adage on board and lived their lives focussing on how they treat other people rather than how they want treated, then the world would not only be a more contented place but it would feel less lonely and loveless…. so my message to you all is this…..

“I really do think you’re great and I don’t wish to be rude, but I really do think you are vain of your good looks, elegant accomplishments, and the impression you make wherever you go. Whilst I might admire that you exert yourself, and think you are altogether fascinating, the ‘I come.. see.. and.. conquer - now love me you bitch’ air you put on, spoils it all for sensible people.” Now will you kindly STOP!

Tenderness

In casual conversation your voice utters my name
It sets a warmth to glow brightly with anticipation
Absurdity beseeches and calls out to steady me
But my heart will not listen to its declaration

This warmth spreads into and onto my notice
And so too does that notice quiver within me
Acknowledgement and realisation shadow
Nothing of what is consciously accepted today

Life and purpose itself springs forth into existence
Set to grow as stout as any season’s fruit
Tender and sweet in its infancy and goodness
Precariously balanced between your world and mine