Tied in Social Knots

Do you ever suspect that.... of those people you hope will befriend you, so that you can befriend them.... some of Those People are secretly hoping that YOU will befriend THEM, so that THEY can befriend YOU?

and....

Of those above, some of those people you hope will befriend you so that you can befriend them.... are really hoping to de-friend you at some later stage and are only hoping your befriend them so they can befriend you for some ulterior motive?

Its all so complicated that it makes my brain itch! Oh to relive the days when your best friend approached the object of your interest's best friend and simply said 'my mate fancies your mate'... and there... the negotiations were complete. And two days of shy acknowledgements later you were spending quality together time.

Its not just individual interactions that are festooned with codes and cyphers, on the whole, this time of year is pretty tricky for the great socially unwashed generally. Random people smile at me and I don't know if I know them, so I smile back embarrassed that I can't remember them.... they then think I know them and their open polite smiles becomes terse as they realise that they might've actually known me but cant remember now.... the result is the smiles breakdown and we scuttle past each other feeling bad.

Truth is, I never actually enjoyed 'going out'. Clubbing / pubing / bars / dancing / parties, were moments to live thro' rather than to be relished. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fun times, but these were always the backdrop of 'Not Fun'. It's all so stressful and its just NOT me. Even eating out gets weird to me if it's with more than four, myself included. It's Funny, cos those who get to know me think I'm a chameleon and can fit into most situations. Like I'm 'friendly'..... or something.

I used to think I couldn't relax and enjoy myself, cos I needed something 'to-do'... that I wasn't content to just be. But I enjoy house hanging-out with friends... so that doesn't make sense. I love that my house is frequently filled with folks just dropping in past.... maybe, even though I'm good at welcoming people, it's simply that I'm not so good at being welcomed...? ... I need a wall behind the sofa my arse is warming, if you know what I mean.

Whatever the reason..... it's definitely getting more pronounced as I get older. Perhaps I just never got over being called 'The Odd One,' and the anxiety + paranoia that bred. Tho' I have to say it doesn't jar so much these days when people sneer at me and say 'you just think you're clever'... when I was a kid it used to crumple me.... it felt like I was a freak. Mebbe I am a freak. Nowadays I reckon, if I'm gonna be a called a freak... I'd much rather be a freak with brains than a gormless name caller .

I'd like it to be known tho'... we Formerly Highly Rejected Ones might seem okay, but you should MRI our frazzled brains during 'Going Out/Social situations'. The display of distress colourings would, I am sure, rival the most resplendent Christmas decorations..

Seems a shame that so many people use up so much energy trying to trip other people up so they can point and jeer instead of being as tolerant and understanding as they believe themselves to be.... leaves me wondering, if this is the season of good will to all.... who got so much niceness in their stocking that its left the rest of the world short??

Wishing all those who read my blog a magical Christmas.... and enough peace and excitement in the new year to bring them joy!

What is 'me-ness' ?

Last week was not a good week - I spent most of it feeling like I'd rather be someone else... things began stacking up - the dishes - unread papers - work - e-mails - washing - the list of people to phone. My mind and thoughts grew heavy despite my trying not to get fixated.

People were kind and many asked me "How do you feel generally?" or "How are you doing?" But I didn't know what to say. "Not great?, but maybe this is normal under the circumstances." Pathetic? Who knows.... maybe, but how are we meant to feel? So much of life we have to improvise as we go along. There's no instruction manual. I keep asking, what's normal? Is this normal now? Sometimes in my head I feel so 'mortal' - that all the bits could go flying off - atomised. The difference between feeling alive and not, can seem so slight its hard to define.

But, in all that, there is a tiny 'me-ness' which does holds it together - and this rickety 'self' behind all the masks which I wear, is somehow untamed - comes away with some really wild stuff. So much so sometimes I find myself very much aware of the effect on others. And amongst it all is one who can listen and offer me what i need without perhaps ever knowing how valuable the gift they give is to me. I thank them.... for they are more special than they could know.

I have seen behind your mask

but don't be afraid.

Every one is ashamed

as long as he doesn't know himself.

You think your mask is beautiful

but it has been shaped by cruel hands

that once wounded your heart.

I have seen behind your mask

and I have seen human beauty.

I was thinking that if we're game, growing older offers release from what we have been - the freedom to wander.(at least in our minds). Pablo Neruda ends his poem 'Truth' on this theme: "And to truth I say: don't stay so long that you harden until you are a lie. I'm no director, I'm not in charge of anything or any great importance, and for that reason I treasure the errors of my song."

Half woman ~ half chewed biscuit (revisited)

Well, that's the last time I try to be arty with a photo on here.... mira hindley indeed!!! (yes that's right... a delightful comment regarding the photo on the above named entry) Albeit a rude and disturbing comparison it did start me wondering about 'beauty'. What it is and how it is perceived by others in order to create attraction.

Like the statement 'there is absolutely no, absolute truth', having only one definition of beauty seems wholly inadequate... I for one am thankfully for this!

cos if there was only one I'd be in trouble!...

I believe that beauty depends on place and time.

During the middle ages and renaissance the beautiful woman was plump and pale. Being plump and pale during those times meant that you were 1) well-fed and 2) not forced to work out in the fields. In China, during the Manchu Dynasty, people thought that women with infant-sized feet were beautiful because women with feet that were basically forced to be that size (through breaking the foot), couldn't move around a lot. (not the biggest advantage if you're looking for a partner to cook and clean the house tho'). In Africa, scarrification, where you intentionally scar your body, is considered beautiful. Whilst in other parts, a woman with extreme curves and very broad hips (child rearing hips) is considered attractive.

In western societies thin is a symbol of health and, more importantly, a symbol of being able to maintain a disciplined balanced approach to life's indulgences. Similarly, a tan means that you have money to go outdoors often and tan yourself. (or that you like to spend your free time standing upright in a 'stand and tan')

I personally think that beauty is inherent, and unlike sex appeal, which is a function of attitude. Sex appeal is a chemical interaction; a spray of Pheromones that are secreted and received between two people which dictates sexual behaviour and attraction. Both the conditions and individual attitudes become matched and the result is a lustful attraction. It is a subconscious decision to be appealing or be receptive to another's appeal.

Beauty, by contrast is less decisive or intentional... one can be viewed by others to be beautiful or have beautiful traits without being consciously aware. Out there must be enough people with differing tastes that there is indeed someone for everyone. So by my reckoning.. all we have to do is have a massive game of pick up pairs!..

An eye for an eye 'til everyone's blind?

Okay... now i'm worrying! what 'if' the enjoyment and contentment I'm feeling at the moment is partially based on an unspoken pleasure that a) I'm not the one suffering right now and that I can remain unaffected because of that distance - or - b) I dont care as much as I thought I did - or worse of all - c) I'm experiencing the macabre human state of relishing the ill fortunes of others??

Last night I was working in a very small rural village... I've worked there before and on those occasions I've rarely seen a soul. Even in daylight the streets are tired and sleepy... But as I was leaving late at night the caretaker let me out the building and issued me a kindly warning to 'be careful, cos there's lots of folk about t'night'. I asked why that was (sorta expecting to be told that there was a village event that had just finished)... he smiled gravely and said 'the auld smiddy was on fire'... I returned his smile without really understanding and headed back to my car.

I wandered to my car marvelling at how many couples and small groups of individuals were milling around. I could see over the tops of some cottages thick billowing clouds of smoke... the end of the road I was walking along was blocked by a police car. Having gotten into my car I didnt expect to see much else as I was heading in a different direction, but still the crowds and cars were appearing. It was like rush hour traffic!! ... or a scene from the league of gentleman... amazing. I even got stuck in a traffic jam trying to leave the village!...

As I was driving home and later that night I was thinking about what this says about us humans.... I can understand folks who slow down to have a look as they pass by a road accident scene.... it's a by-the-way linger glance that could be brushed away with thoughts of concern for those involved.... but what I'd seen was very different. It definitely wasn't 'by the way'... Those party goers had put their shoes and coats on... then jumped into their cars or started walking with the absolute intention of looking upon the misery of some poor person and family.... What does that say about human nature??

I remember a quote from Pride and Prejudice "For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?"... Altho' I've never considered it before, it seems that Jane Austen shared my uncharitable view of fellow humans and invited others to ponder a similar question in her novel. I wonder how many have taken her invite over the years...or like myself didn't dig too deep.

I have been left with an awful feeling that as unpleasant as I found the actions of these villagers... I can't shake off the uncomfortable question 'Am I any different simply because I dont have to go far to gaze upon my friends misfortunes?...

A dreamless State

Life is like on long festival.... a party that never ends.. guests simply come and go. But what if you don't want to party? What if the stillness and calm of right now is comforting but you feel pushed into a different state of affairs because it fill other people's expectations and makes them feel more secure that they aren't partying alone?

I can't count the number of times recently I've found myself surrounded by unhappy people, who's parties aren't so swinging.... all for differing but valid reasons. I've heard them said over and over..."If only I had known ... If only there had been some warning ... If only I had seen it coming ... If ... If ... If!" It started me thinking about how often is its been said to me? How often have we all said it? I know I've 'what-ifed' myself to distraction on numerous occasions.

Doesn't the tragedy and regret of these sorts of statements just make you want to whip out your hanky and have a good collective cry?!

I have to admit this is exactly what I might feel like doing, when listening to someone I care about feeling sad... its a way of saying 'you're not alone, I'm still here'..... but right now my own party feels filled with anticipation and excitement; laughter and fun; mystery and intrigue.... and despite the sadness and difficulties those around me are experiencing, I'm holding onto a wonderful secret enjoyment that means i cant seem to stop smiling... and I like it!

Right now is pretty great .....

Respect

Things are not always what they seem...

Once in a far away land in a remote kingdom set deep into a hillside, lived a small community. It wasn’t a very rich or extravagant place to reside, as the natives were simple folk who were happy to live together in harmony. Each individual mingled and co-existed with mutual pride, tolerance and acceptance of each other’s differences. So much so, that the villager’s nicknamed the place RESPECT.

One day a very odd thing happened to RESPECT – and no one is sure how it came about, but this is what transpired.

It was a hot and lazy summer’s night and most ordinary folk had settled down for the night. And altho' the king's servants were going about their normal routine, not one of them noticed in the half light that mischief was afoot - taking the form of an unknown shape. They tended the King's animals, prepared food for the following day, and drew water from the only well in the kingdom. Working with diligence and conviction as people with contented dispositions usually do, unaware that from this night hence, the village would become affected in a most profound but unseen manner.

As the summer sky light melted into darkness… and the well that had brought life to generations faded from sight…. and the village was still. The deed was done.

Upon the morning to the outside gaze everything looked exactly like they had the day before… cows grazed in their fields; villagers bustled about carrying out their daily routines; a picture book sun warmed the air and chattering filled the ears of everyone… but all was not right. Things were not as they seemed, for with each mouthful of water drawn from the well, mischief passed their lips. It moved like a canker to invade the harmonious contentment, growing in strength and vileness with each sip. A strange cloud of paranoia began to grip the thoughts of the villagers and strangle their mutual deference.

Men, Women and children alike began to act with increasing self interest; their view justified by the knowledge that all others did the same, and that they should protect themselves against the evil deeds others would do unto them. They wrapped themselves in a blanket of misery which they sugar-coated with the pretence of being as happy as they once were. Each one pretending for fear that others would realise that they were damaged and cause them unseen ‘harm’.

RESPECT was dying and no one noticed nor cared.

Only the King had not drunk from the well. His anger could be heard far across his lands and beyond as he tried to reach deep into the minds of his beloved people. The very earth shook with his rage and frustration as he sought to shake them free from the delusions that held them ignorant prisoners of their own poisoned thoughts. He shouted with disappointment and appealed with compassion… to which the villagers listened and watched with affection, for they loved their great King. But all too soon patience gave out and rumours germinated in the mouths of the villagers that their once mighty leader was no longer like them… Why did he act this way? Was he mad?

As the seasons passed the villagers began to forget that they were even pretending. All thoughts of caring and being cared for by others dissipated like a misted memory, leaving the village to be cold and unmoving, cynical and untrusting.

The King felt fear. His burden was indeed heavy, for how could he care for his people if they imprisoned him for madness? …… He fell silent and wept privately for his people who had been poisoned from the well but did not know it. He knew that no words could rouse them. Reason was dead to them. He remained confused and vulnerable amidst so many people now all too ready to shame him for being different, but pretended to have drunk deep of the well, whilst all the time secretly craving a way back from this new world which lacked human contact and warmth. Back to a moment where human kindness would once again bring trust, love and understanding, where he might lay his weary head upon the lap of another soul who shared his escaped from mischief.

Years passed…….

The king continued to cry through loneliness and despair… his tears flowed and mingled with the rainwater which flowed to replenish the well. Outcast and marginalised this once proud man grew tired of pretending and found little remaining pleasures in the rhythm of the desperation. He gave up carving smiles from the ironies that slipped by unnoticed like fallen silken handkerchiefs discarded without care. His spirit felt crushed. His heart hardened and his soul blackened.

Solace found him far from the village where his new laws did not care to reach. Only nature offered him understanding as he wandered over abandoned fields that clung to the distance like a mantle cocooning the horrors that had transformed the land he grew to detest.

He sat a while and lamented as he had on so many other occasion that if only he had drank deep from the well that night….. oblivion would have taken him and saved him from this dreadful state. A state where he would be bound for all time to scan the faces of others to seek out another such as he, who had not drunk from the poisoned well but knowing he would be unable to utter a word should the chance ever come his way, for the fear of being wrong.

But hope is a hard task master and despite his sadness, the King’s sorrowful heart lived on and his search continued……

Fine Tuning Frequency

Social conduct and patterns have me foxed. I cannot claim to be socially adept mostly cos its not even plausible. Tho' sometimes in moments of madness, I think I'm getting a handle on situations,.. of people... but it doesn't last, the belief crumbles under the weight of their pretence, only to reveal moments, hours or days later that in fact all I was doing was duping myself.. honesty died and social convention buried it!

I dont understand what's is so scary about honesty, so scary that most (if not all) folks I know squirrel away themselves, never to be seen beyond fleeting glimpses? It makes everyone feel foolish for being open, laying themselves open to being vulnerable. But its good to care ... isn't it?.

.....and so you see other people remain a mystery to me... I try so hard to see their agenda, understand what it is they prefer and minimise my intrusion upon them.... It's all such hard work that I'm left exhausted and as foxed as I was before I started. Sometimes I get so preoccupied by this that I forget to ask myself 'Does it matter?'.

We all have our own individual sound, vibration, voice or music. (whatever word you like to describe it) In some people it's very apparent... they are bouncy and vervaceous, the kind who make you smile by just being close to them. At the opposite end of the spectrum is those who like to live under a cloud of gloom (if only they didn't feel the need to share it!!)... and many lying somewhere in-between..... it's the thing that makes us uniquely ourselves (yet inextricably part of the whole rich tapestry of life to coin a well worn phrase).

This personal essence gets covered over, clouded and drowned out by so many things. Apparently, people who vibrate at higher frequencies are more likely to have greater success. (and no prizes for guessing that's why we smile and feel happy jst to be in their company)... And that once you start moving at a faster tempo, maintaining a steady rate is easier because of momentum. The key is to use a blast of energy to overcome inertia and then you're like a runaway train. (The faster you move, the more energy you have. The faster you move, the more you get done and the more effective you feel. The faster you move, the more experience you get and the more you learn. The faster you move, the more competent and capable you become... woo wooooo ....)

But recently this has all begun to pray on my mind... weighing me down in a way that makes it difficult for me to be creative. So instead of exhausting myself in a conundrum of figuring other people out or trying to reach someone else's ideals... I've decided to peel away dead skin ..... shake loose the dross... shrug off advertisements and cultural programming.... kick the opinion of others habit..... grind up preconceived notions and blow the dust to the winds. I want to find my own frequency!!

Random Chance

Sometimes things aren't always transparent and life has a funny way of taking you in directions you'd rather not go..... now I could say its fate or destiny but I'm not sure that would cover everything that happens in life well enough.... but rather appears as a mere cop out or a hindsight explanation.

Would things turn out differently if we knew what was in store?... and even if you feel you are standing at a crossroad in your life and look down into the possibilities each path promises..... do you really have a choice?

I'm beginning to suspect that it doesnt really matter much about the journey nor the paths that presents before us. As T.S.Elliot wrote:

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

Maybe the route and those we encounter are simply a means to an end.... and that all we are really seeking is some better awareness or insight into ourselves. If this is true then any sense of connection or attraction to someone else isnt as important or earth shattering as we might be lead to believe. Is love simply a motivation to keep going? A cruel twist of human nature that cannot be overridden nor stemmed...

Each day a spider spins a completely new web as I've watched and photographed their daily toiling, it brought me to wonder if humans are no different - but cant see it cos they are blinded by fancy notions and dreams.

Supposing that there is nothing more than the illusion that there is more?... Where does that leave all our hopes, dreams, wants, desires and beliefs?

Hey, It works for me!

Idiosyncratic things you do that are just fine with you.. can these be appreciated by others?

I once had a neighbour who enjoyed orange juice in her breakfast cereals instead of milk. I knew a child who squirted ketchup into her vegetable soup. Most of us have weird but ingenious methods for saving some time or money, but rarely share these idiosyncrasies... I wonder why?

I suspect its for fear of what others might say or worse still think... I remember my darling ex husband making me throw out 2/3 of a pot of chilli, claiming that it was left overs and only pigs ate left overs!... I couldn't get over the waste for the sake of appearances.... and the irony was he is a pig (in the employment field, not literally ~~ tho' sometimes I wonder about that too - but I realise I shouldn't type that cos then I might appear bitter! ah for keeping up appearances!!)

Anyway, back to the food - what my partner hadn't realised was that I'd deliberately made more than we could eat, just to have the pleasure of eating it the next day for lunch. What did I do?... I left a message on top of the box

Important message: they aren't leftovers,

they are Planned-overs!!!

.... and I like 'Planned Overs'.

His retort?.... 'only lazy fat people eat lunch'....

I'm delighted that our relationship is much improved now we no longer have to interact with each other. I guess if Soulmates are made--not encountered in some cosmic game of Marco Polo, we didnt 'make' it!

Other things I do... Ive noticed or that have been pointed out to me include..... when I am going from one part of the house to the other, I have to recite my mission out loud: keys, washing, feed the cats. keys, washing, feed the cats. keys, washing, feed the cats. Otherwise I will get out to the car with no keys, the cats have started throwing themselves underfoot in a bid to get noticed and fed, and there are no towels for the shower.

Actually, as I've typed that it's reminded me of a time when my little habit caused me some concern... I work for myself and have an office at home, so usually my buzzing around trying to remember ten different tasks at once with a mind that can barely hold onto one isn't a problem. However, on one occasion when meeting a client in their office I went to use the facilities and didnt realise that I was 'thinking aloud' when a lady using one of the other cubicles called out, "Are you talking to me?" I didnt know how to reply... How very embarrassing I dont mind telling you!

Also, in a vain attempt to be economical and efficient... I can't leave a room without picking something up that doesn't belong there and taking it somewhere else. So I spend way too much time carrying 'stuff' around with me whilst planning circuits for drop offs!...

Hmm... maybe I should be more concerned with appearances... maybe I would've in my younger days... and now I realise that I should be me and not a version of me that someone would prefer me to be. There's a line somewhere in Hemingway which goes; "The war still went on, but we didn't go to it anymore." Perhaps this phrase captures my state of mind which has slowly settled on me - a kind of disengagement. Its still a war for some.... but it's no longer my war.

<~~ sneaks off to enjoy 'planned overs' for tea!

KEEP OFF THE GRASS!! conformity, apathy or blind faith?

I sometimes feel that we British folks are an 'awfy hodden doon' people who tolerate mediocity. By contrast I have met with some people who appear to have mighty axe's to grind - live a life of activism - as my grandmother would describe them they are 'born fechters'. I often wonder what makes a person a 'warrior'. Maybe its set in early childhood - a life that starts badly and never catches up.

I'm reading a novel called 'Never let me go' by Kazuo Ishiguro - but it has upset me - so I've put it aside. It gradually becomes apparent in the story that the main characters are human clones - in every way like us -except they are bred solely to provide vital organs for others - and are thereby condemned to an early death. What I found most annoying is the failure of the clones to rebel - their passive acceptance of their fate. Maybe its my interpretation of it but, Ishiguro seems to be saying that all our lives are in some way stunted and unfulfilled - that we can only make the best of what we've got. This is too compliant for me.

I know that individual lives break down, but i think history shows the human spirit to be beautiful and invincible. (i distinguish that from human nature - which is shitty, farty and self obsessed). I don't believe that any form of oppression can ultimately prevail against human reason. Without the element of resistance this novel slips into poor psychology - is not true to life. Or is it??

Whilst at University t'day I stood over hearing a group of Britains young hopefuls (those who will decide my fate when I become to old and infacile to do it for myself) and as I listened I couldn't help but hatch a little plan to put their claims to never take things at face value to the test.

I arrived early at a workshop venue and stood outside the door, having watched the tutor enter the room as I came down the corridor. Now to put my plan into action. I stood against the wall beside the door and as the first of the 20 other students arrived I explained that the door was locked.

So we waited.... I didnt have to repeat my lie as those who I'd told were all too happy to relay the information on for me. I grinned like a loon to the furtive glances of the growing throng - but no one questioned the situation. We stood for in excess of 10 minutes and I suspect that would've been longer had the tutor not popped her head around the door in obvious concern.

The faces of my fellow students was a picture! My reply to the rows of questioning glares?... "now that's faith and social conformity in a nutshell!!" - grinned broadly before ducking past the confused tutor into the room.

I think i'm gonna love philosophy!!

Truth - a property or perception?

Some day's darkness falls and my demons come back and it feels like the bad men are coming to get me again. Fear and anger intrude - nothing and no one seems genuine - I imagine insults - feel a fraud. In the gloom I've learned to move to automatic pilot - survival mode. Avoid humans - avoid decisions. Potter around my garden or get creative - focusing on wee manual tasks with their own meaning.

Keeping it simple.

This evening I made some food for myself - nothing fancy, just plain. I really enjoyed it. As I ate I thought the banquets with friends will come again. Then I went for a walk along the estuary where I always go to reflect.

There's one shop in the nearest village - hanging on by a slack nail -so I try to use it. Waiting yesterday behind old Tom who dropped 50p. He's 86 - can't bend - so I say "let me get that." As I handed it over he dropped his stick and gripped the counter unsteadily. When I gave him the stick he didn't speak to me but smiled - gathered himself - did a four point turn and hobbled slowly out the door. As I remembered this scene I began to feel a quiet fortitude all round me - everywhere folks just getting by. Life has its defeats. It's about steadying ourselves - re-gathering - and moving on. That's just the way it is.

As I continued to walk I came to a place where I became more conscious of the wrong I have done in my life - broken promises - unpaid debts - abandoned friends. For years so much denied - I dread what's still to remember. Sometimes I feel a burning shame. T.S. Eliot called it, "The rending pain of re-enactment of all that you have done, and been." I guess none of us are really that different after all. We simply do the best we can..... what good is it to hold onto hurt and pain?

On the way home I visited one of my friends who has been ill - when I visited she was over the worst but still very weak. The mood was reflective - I think she's had a fright. She asked what parts of my life I'd enjoyed the most - would choose to live again. "I find that difficult, " I said, " I remember the bad bits more." She told me the memories she cherished about some fun times we'd shared. How, every Sunday - a small group of us - rain or shine spent the day in each others company. How on summer evenings we'd watch our children playing till the light failed. How we'd toil side by side over our vegetable plot, battling the relentless war on weeds.

For two hours we exchanged happy memories. I guess I realised that its all too easy to be consumed with negative emotions, which distort your hindsight memories.... I need to remember there is joy too in the re-enactment of what we have been. I dont want to have distorted memories about the people in my past.... and however fleeting, I am glad that our paths crossed.. and whatever happens in the future I hope I can always see the positive effect.

Half woman ~ half chewed biscuit

I have a sore throat and have lost my fizz... but wallowing in self pity seems to be helping pass the time.

ps... do not gargle with warm water and salt.. it makes you boak!

There's rain in them there hills!

I'm always getting into trouble or making an arse of myself... and recently I had the delight of an IM with someone... as I'm none too popular I entered into the spirit of the occasion with gusto.... and have to say that my virtual chatter was pulling out the stops to prevent the conversation getting dull...

He managed to avoid the 'clipboard syndrome' and the 'inappropriate familiar tact' which was, in itself refreshing... things were going swimmingly but it was getting late and my attention was wandering off to bed before I'd even switched off my computer.... when 'it' happened!!

'It' has happened to me before when having a conversation with my cyst who enjoys boring me rigid with tales of genealogy. What happened was she was showing me a file on some long time dead ancester and I was feigning an interest when I glanced at the lady in question's death certificate. I read:

'Multi Organ Failure' as 'Multi Orgasm Failure'!! which made me laugh out loud cos moments earlier my cyst had been telling me she had 15 children! And I immediately linked all that practicing without even one orgasm!... then I re-read... oops!... and when asked to explain what I found so funny - I blushed furiously and mutter something inaudible.

This time I managed to misread:-

What question do you want to ask someone who has died? It could be someone you knew or didn't know. Your pick!

as

What question do you want to ask someone who has died? It could be someone you knew or didn't know. You prick!

I flushed with indignation and made my excuses and went to bed.. thankfully without causing a riot over the imagined insult!... phew, at least I got away without appearing irrational and unstable.. but then again.. is that another rumble of thunder??

Farm Attack

Ah the joy of summer months..... I was stepping out into my garden to enjoy the warmth of a dying day when I was attacked by what looked like a small hummingbird!.. .anyone who knows me, knows I'm scared of birds (they flap a lot and their eyes look evil!) Luckily I didnt have to suffer the embarrassment of anyone seeing me land grovelling on my top step, but I managed to spilt the cup o' tea I'd been carrying all over the wall just inside the door way, which looked a little like a stretched map of south America, or as I stood up again - the face of elvis in this young quiff days!... I can now claim 'elvis is alive and living in my front hall'.... he's just a toot quiet now.

Anyways... where was I? oh yes! The mutant bird attack. As I recovered my composure and bladder control, I could still hear a sound like a flapping/humming beating sorta noise... which twittered around the large honeysuckle I have climbing the side of my house. I watched mesmerised as this small bird sized moth type bat thing with an amazingly long tongue drank nectar from the flowers.

I have an amateur interest in wildlife but had no idea what it was... it was furry like a bat/mouse- the size of a small bird - wings that beat and hummed like a humming bird and look of a moth or butterfly. It was a curious sight, even the cows were watching!

(illogical) deductive thinking

· bats and moths come out at dusk and night = neither of those!
· hummingbirds live in exotic places - this farm = not possible!
· mice cant fly = not a mouse
· butterflies flutter NOT buzz and hum = not this either!

result? = get camera and take a photo!...

man that was harder than I expected. This tiny creature flitted around at an incredible speed. But eventually I got the one posted above and some others (mostly obscure and blurry).

Eventually after much searching I found it in a wildlife book = it was a hummingbird hawkmoth (rarely seen in britain)! it must've heard about elvis in my hall!...

Rated 'R' is for righteous (an internal conversation)

I'm in my mid 30's and am finding that I have less and less tolerance and patience for the virtual world’s vagaries. I've never suffered fools particularly gladly... but recent events have popped me into a state of fizz. Not like the usual things that annoy me.. like someone using their mobile phone whilst not giving a second thought to anyone around them. Sunday drivers who tootle around the country lanes at 40 miles mph and then speed up on the straights, when they know you might over take them... or shop assistant who don’t get the concept that the money I place in the till pays their wages and a 'thank you' wouldn’t go amiss... Is it just me, or are people on AOL becoming increasingly self-absorbed to the point of making more outrageously factious and ignorant things than I’ve read before??

Maybe I’ve chatted too long and my optimism of encountering interesting and emotionally balanced people has simply worn thin. But lack of civility offends me deeply, and yet I find that despite my efforts to be courteous and polite I’m still chatting in a culture that seems to other people as disposable wholly based on them being 'virtual strangers'. Don’t get me wrong... I’m not expecting Victorian parlour room etiquette. But how about a lowest common denominator of common courtesy, respect and decency, bred from the realisation that there are other people in the world besides oneself?

Short of moving favourite rooms or ISP (would it help? answers on postcards please), can anyone offer any advice on how I can cope with the present rudeness and crudeness of those who seem determined to rant my perceived faults like it’s the gospel and not jst their point of view. Or should I just try to chat in even more isolation and hope that eventually old age will bring a tired, docile sort of acceptance?

yours sincerely

Ready for a tall tower or an AK-47



Dear 'ready for a tall tower'...

Move over and make more room please - I need the room to get a better aim. And stop hogging all the ammunition. As my mummy said 'it’s nice to share'... so stop being rude!

Like you, lately, I’ve been judging people harshly and giving them a hard time. I heard someone say its premature disapproval of how others do things that comes from too much exposure to vitriolic comments. I don’t approve!

You see you and I... we're the problem. It's us, not them. There's something wrong with us. We're nuts.

Yeah you heard right!... we're like little crazy people going around with a nagging voice in our heads, telling us to consider other people.

No really, I’m serious.... its a form of craziness to walk about thinking that others should be different, and do differently than they currently do. Thankfully, in most of us it’s so mild that you can’t be sectioned for it... But it’s still crazy. Yes it is!... it’s crazy cos you're presuming the impossible!. So stop it!!

You can control it... cos you don’t look up into the sky and complain that 'those birds are flying all wrong'... 'look at those geese - some are out of formation' You don’t look at trees and frown at the way they grow, so crooked and slow and uneven! Wondering what is wrong with them? Don't they know?

No.....

Ah but people are civilised and s'posed to know... they've been educated and meant to be smart! But have they? And by whom?

Who has taught them what they're sposed to know, and did they tell them they're s'posed to know it so they realise they know it? Was there a guide book or uniformed instructions on said knowledge?....

Exactly - so is it therefore reasonable to expect that people know? and besides even if they did know, humans being humans there will always be some who wont conform and to the diametrically opposite. They will fly their 'freak' flags higher than high even if it’s the wrong day for 'freak' flags ... jst cos they can!


Some people think it's good to drive 40 down country lanes. I know that's hard to accept. But if you look at what people do, as opposed to what you wish they would do, you might see that our rules are not the only rules. Other people have rules too. Their rules may not be the rules of the masses, but they have arrived at them and they believe in them. And so what are you s'posed to do with that? Stone them? or burn them at the stake?

maybe we all jst need to be clearer... perhaps carry signs around our necks. That would make things easier.... cos then two people with very different views would see. If we drove up behind a person with a sign saying I think everyone should drive at 40mph cos there would be less accidents- if you agree you will beam a smile back at me'.... we could say 'ah, there's an opinion' and as we pass them at warp factor 5.... they could attempt to read the sign on our car that says "Have You Ever Driven the Autobahn? It's So Much Better Than This!" Each would be able to gauge how much of a distance would be needed for respect and comfort.

cos basically we're all breaking other's rules all the time and annoying the hell out of each other. But what's more irritating when doing this we pretend that our rules are right!!

Maybe we should jst stop having rules about other people so we can all get to a place where we're in love with humankind. I guess what we are looking for, unconsciously perhaps, is for others to match us in our discomfort with the world; wanting to see reflected back, in their eyes a little bit of tragic knowledge, a little bit of sombre self-reflection, a little bit of acknowledgment of suffering, a bit of dignity.

I am a cranky Scottish woman, yearning for peace and gentleness.
And so to you, my annoyed and outraged friend, I say give me some elbow room and pass the ammunition.

Its open season!!!!!!

TWISTED TONGUES....

T'day has been a great day.... spent in the innocent company of children... it doesnt get much better than that!!.... and the said content to make the company so fantastic?.... tongue twisters!!! T'day i'm happy to say i re-experienced belly-aching laughter and it doesnt half make you feel good... here for you is the edited highlights....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unique New York, Unique New York, Unique New York!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inchworms itching, Inchworms itching, Inchworms itching...
(as supplied by my youngest who hasnt progressed beyond toilet humour)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and..... my absolute favourite.... who we telephoned a grandma to hear saying it!!
One smart man, he felt smart.. two smartmen, they felt smart... three smart men - they all felt smart together!!...
(actually i'm beginning to understand where my son gets his humour from!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and finally..... (couldnt resist this under the circumstances of having been guilty of mixing my homophones)

I cannot bear to see a bear.... bear down upon a hare. When bare of hair he strips the hare, Right there i cry, 'forbear!'

THE TEN SECOND RULE

If you drop food on the floor ... and are able to retrieve it within ten seconds ... it's still edible.

I've always LIVED by that rule.

Well, yesterday evening I had some friends coming for tea... the night before they arrivedIi made some chilli (kidney beans are always better after soaking in the sauce all night)... anyway... when I came home from work I decided to try to get a head start, by preparing everything in advance... I thought that I could then enjoy their company better if Iwasnt flustered and disappearing mid story to the kitchen...... BUT.... I accidently dropped the container thingie on to the kitchen floor.

OH MY GOD... What a mess! It was like a blood bath!!.... (its amazing how far a bright red liquid will travel when dropped from fridge height!)

Anyhoo... as they were due to arrive within less than an hour... I was under pressure.... so I acted quickly ... and managed to scoop most of the chilli into a saucepan. Boiling kills most germs.... right?

Yeah yeah I know ... so it might've taken me longer than ten seconds to scrap enough for a meal and.... techincally the ten second rule doesnt apply to liquid and mushy stuff.... But if everyone keeps their mouths shut, no one will ever know what the secret to my delicious chilli is!!!.....

Soul-mate or sold out?

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Life goes on.... with or without you...

Possibilities

today it rains..... just like yesterday

i could go out .... but i do not
instead i look out onto the weathers furore
and gaze absentmindedly at the street activity below

today is grey... just like yesterday
i could seek solace... but i do not
my focus shifts from far to near and i'm captivated
by the raindrops tapping for notice upon my windowsill

today is cold.... just like yesterday
I could get busy.... but i do not
my idle tranquility offers a snug blanket to cushion me
from which i can peep out into the world and marvel

Today is different.... not like yesterday
I could figure it out.... but i do not
you came into my life and i viewed you with suspicion
its what you deserve and foster.. i am not above that?

Tomorrow looks bright.... not like yesterday
I am impatient to rush... but cannot
outside this wetted window is a host of possibilities
i smile in spite of the rain.... for i know tomorrow come

Motionless

My thoughts, like planets collided and the movement rippled further than I could imagine, like a cyclist shifting gears... It was an unnatural yet unavoidable by-product of motion.

I want to be still... but I cannot stop my thoughts.

Perhaps I should visit some Buddhist monks to find my inner peace, search out my core purpose in life and become tranquil. But I doubt that I’d find much more than the deep seated question - 'who is eating all the other jaffa cakes?

Besides I’m not sure I could take the realisation that I’m as shallow as a summer puddle after all. I'd much rather cling to the possibility that one day i might turn out not to be dead of irrelevance.

Maybe I just need to accept that one cannot hang on to feelings, friends and forays, but rather let them go..... for they are not mine to keep. But instead i should treasure them as memories.

Talking of which, I’ve been thinking a lot about childhood days, enjoying the memories of a time when social skills were not expected, nor indeed necessary. Ah such sweet times, when it was legitimate to ignore the comments or actions of someone else simply on the basis you hadn't a clue what they were on about. If they didn't make sense - you just ignored them. It was practically law!

I have a hankering for such simplicity again, where it was high times when two people linked hands together, leant out and spun in a circle until they couldn't breathe. The thrill to once more enjoy gut wrenching laughter, loud enough to annoy the neighbourhood as far as the ear could hear. When days felt like weeks, but bedtimes came too soon. Easy relationships. ... where invitations to 'come play' were rejected with a mere shrug of the shoulders. Where mistakes were erased by blowing the crumbs off.

Hope lingers so they say, but really its stuffed into Pandora's box and even reading the ancient legends I’m not too clear how it gets shared around. Nor am I aware of the identity of the designated distributor of said 'hope', so I can’t go and make any enquiries. So I feel a bit stuck - cos I feel I need some but the man from del hope givers - he say 'NO'...

I want to be still, no questioning, analysing, speculating, assuming and hurting. I miss the old times...

Is there a way back??

Revival of the Monsoon's Rains

Perspective is often distorted over time and many an important cause or passionate belief is lost to poor hindsight memories. I know this - because I do this, altho' i wish i didnt.

Hush........

there is this emptiness now you see

its like a rock divide - just there
we both look at it and make no comment
about the horrific noise it steadfast bears

ignore it?

why yes let us never utter or name it

but leave it to the wind and weather
for surely it will soon be out of sight
filled over by the passing moments

look away?

yes, yes - may we two never chance
to glance upon its very existence
and soon it will be covered with distain
to drown the murderous persistence of it

 let it go?

we two should cocoon ourselves tight

to block out the memory of what was
each to feast upon the vacuum's fill
until it chokes, distorts and colours our view

 then there will be none.........