What is 'me-ness' ?

Last week was not a good week - I spent most of it feeling like I'd rather be someone else... things began stacking up - the dishes - unread papers - work - e-mails - washing - the list of people to phone. My mind and thoughts grew heavy despite my trying not to get fixated.

People were kind and many asked me "How do you feel generally?" or "How are you doing?" But I didn't know what to say. "Not great?, but maybe this is normal under the circumstances." Pathetic? Who knows.... maybe, but how are we meant to feel? So much of life we have to improvise as we go along. There's no instruction manual. I keep asking, what's normal? Is this normal now? Sometimes in my head I feel so 'mortal' - that all the bits could go flying off - atomised. The difference between feeling alive and not, can seem so slight its hard to define.

But, in all that, there is a tiny 'me-ness' which does holds it together - and this rickety 'self' behind all the masks which I wear, is somehow untamed - comes away with some really wild stuff. So much so sometimes I find myself very much aware of the effect on others. And amongst it all is one who can listen and offer me what i need without perhaps ever knowing how valuable the gift they give is to me. I thank them.... for they are more special than they could know.

I have seen behind your mask

but don't be afraid.

Every one is ashamed

as long as he doesn't know himself.

You think your mask is beautiful

but it has been shaped by cruel hands

that once wounded your heart.

I have seen behind your mask

and I have seen human beauty.

I was thinking that if we're game, growing older offers release from what we have been - the freedom to wander.(at least in our minds). Pablo Neruda ends his poem 'Truth' on this theme: "And to truth I say: don't stay so long that you harden until you are a lie. I'm no director, I'm not in charge of anything or any great importance, and for that reason I treasure the errors of my song."

Half woman ~ half chewed biscuit (revisited)

Well, that's the last time I try to be arty with a photo on here.... mira hindley indeed!!! (yes that's right... a delightful comment regarding the photo on the above named entry) Albeit a rude and disturbing comparison it did start me wondering about 'beauty'. What it is and how it is perceived by others in order to create attraction.

Like the statement 'there is absolutely no, absolute truth', having only one definition of beauty seems wholly inadequate... I for one am thankfully for this!

cos if there was only one I'd be in trouble!...

I believe that beauty depends on place and time.

During the middle ages and renaissance the beautiful woman was plump and pale. Being plump and pale during those times meant that you were 1) well-fed and 2) not forced to work out in the fields. In China, during the Manchu Dynasty, people thought that women with infant-sized feet were beautiful because women with feet that were basically forced to be that size (through breaking the foot), couldn't move around a lot. (not the biggest advantage if you're looking for a partner to cook and clean the house tho'). In Africa, scarrification, where you intentionally scar your body, is considered beautiful. Whilst in other parts, a woman with extreme curves and very broad hips (child rearing hips) is considered attractive.

In western societies thin is a symbol of health and, more importantly, a symbol of being able to maintain a disciplined balanced approach to life's indulgences. Similarly, a tan means that you have money to go outdoors often and tan yourself. (or that you like to spend your free time standing upright in a 'stand and tan')

I personally think that beauty is inherent, and unlike sex appeal, which is a function of attitude. Sex appeal is a chemical interaction; a spray of Pheromones that are secreted and received between two people which dictates sexual behaviour and attraction. Both the conditions and individual attitudes become matched and the result is a lustful attraction. It is a subconscious decision to be appealing or be receptive to another's appeal.

Beauty, by contrast is less decisive or intentional... one can be viewed by others to be beautiful or have beautiful traits without being consciously aware. Out there must be enough people with differing tastes that there is indeed someone for everyone. So by my reckoning.. all we have to do is have a massive game of pick up pairs!..

An eye for an eye 'til everyone's blind?

Okay... now i'm worrying! what 'if' the enjoyment and contentment I'm feeling at the moment is partially based on an unspoken pleasure that a) I'm not the one suffering right now and that I can remain unaffected because of that distance - or - b) I dont care as much as I thought I did - or worse of all - c) I'm experiencing the macabre human state of relishing the ill fortunes of others??

Last night I was working in a very small rural village... I've worked there before and on those occasions I've rarely seen a soul. Even in daylight the streets are tired and sleepy... But as I was leaving late at night the caretaker let me out the building and issued me a kindly warning to 'be careful, cos there's lots of folk about t'night'. I asked why that was (sorta expecting to be told that there was a village event that had just finished)... he smiled gravely and said 'the auld smiddy was on fire'... I returned his smile without really understanding and headed back to my car.

I wandered to my car marvelling at how many couples and small groups of individuals were milling around. I could see over the tops of some cottages thick billowing clouds of smoke... the end of the road I was walking along was blocked by a police car. Having gotten into my car I didnt expect to see much else as I was heading in a different direction, but still the crowds and cars were appearing. It was like rush hour traffic!! ... or a scene from the league of gentleman... amazing. I even got stuck in a traffic jam trying to leave the village!...

As I was driving home and later that night I was thinking about what this says about us humans.... I can understand folks who slow down to have a look as they pass by a road accident scene.... it's a by-the-way linger glance that could be brushed away with thoughts of concern for those involved.... but what I'd seen was very different. It definitely wasn't 'by the way'... Those party goers had put their shoes and coats on... then jumped into their cars or started walking with the absolute intention of looking upon the misery of some poor person and family.... What does that say about human nature??

I remember a quote from Pride and Prejudice "For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?"... Altho' I've never considered it before, it seems that Jane Austen shared my uncharitable view of fellow humans and invited others to ponder a similar question in her novel. I wonder how many have taken her invite over the years...or like myself didn't dig too deep.

I have been left with an awful feeling that as unpleasant as I found the actions of these villagers... I can't shake off the uncomfortable question 'Am I any different simply because I dont have to go far to gaze upon my friends misfortunes?...

A dreamless State

Life is like on long festival.... a party that never ends.. guests simply come and go. But what if you don't want to party? What if the stillness and calm of right now is comforting but you feel pushed into a different state of affairs because it fill other people's expectations and makes them feel more secure that they aren't partying alone?

I can't count the number of times recently I've found myself surrounded by unhappy people, who's parties aren't so swinging.... all for differing but valid reasons. I've heard them said over and over..."If only I had known ... If only there had been some warning ... If only I had seen it coming ... If ... If ... If!" It started me thinking about how often is its been said to me? How often have we all said it? I know I've 'what-ifed' myself to distraction on numerous occasions.

Doesn't the tragedy and regret of these sorts of statements just make you want to whip out your hanky and have a good collective cry?!

I have to admit this is exactly what I might feel like doing, when listening to someone I care about feeling sad... its a way of saying 'you're not alone, I'm still here'..... but right now my own party feels filled with anticipation and excitement; laughter and fun; mystery and intrigue.... and despite the sadness and difficulties those around me are experiencing, I'm holding onto a wonderful secret enjoyment that means i cant seem to stop smiling... and I like it!

Right now is pretty great .....