and....
Of those above, some of those people you hope will befriend you so that you can befriend them.... are really hoping to de-friend you at some later stage and are only hoping your befriend them so they can befriend you for some ulterior motive?
Its all so complicated that it makes my brain itch! Oh to relive the days when your best friend approached the object of your interest's best friend and simply said 'my mate fancies your mate'... and there... the negotiations were complete. And two days of shy acknowledgements later you were spending quality together time.
Its not just individual interactions that are festooned with codes and cyphers, on the whole, this time of year is pretty tricky for the great socially unwashed generally. Random people smile at me and I don't know if I know them, so I smile back embarrassed that I can't remember them.... they then think I know them and their open polite smiles becomes terse as they realise that they might've actually known me but cant remember now.... the result is the smiles breakdown and we scuttle past each other feeling bad.
Truth is, I never actually enjoyed 'going out'. Clubbing / pubing / bars / dancing / parties, were moments to live thro' rather than to be relished. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fun times, but these were always the backdrop of 'Not Fun'. It's all so stressful and its just NOT me. Even eating out gets weird to me if it's with more than four, myself included. It's Funny, cos those who get to know me think I'm a chameleon and can fit into most situations. Like I'm 'friendly'..... or something.
I used to think I couldn't relax and enjoy myself, cos I needed something 'to-do'... that I wasn't content to just be. But I enjoy house hanging-out with friends... so that doesn't make sense. I love that my house is frequently filled with folks just dropping in past.... maybe, even though I'm good at welcoming people, it's simply that I'm not so good at being welcomed...? ... I need a wall behind the sofa my arse is warming, if you know what I mean.
Whatever the reason..... it's definitely getting more pronounced as I get older. Perhaps I just never got over being called 'The Odd One,' and the anxiety + paranoia that bred. Tho' I have to say it doesn't jar so much these days when people sneer at me and say 'you just think you're clever'... when I was a kid it used to crumple me.... it felt like I was a freak. Mebbe I am a freak. Nowadays I reckon, if I'm gonna be a called a freak... I'd much rather be a freak with brains than a gormless name caller
I'd like it to be known tho'... we Formerly Highly Rejected Ones might seem okay, but you should MRI our frazzled brains during 'Going Out/Social situations'. The display of distress colourings would, I am sure, rival the most resplendent Christmas decorations..
Seems a shame that so many people use up so much energy trying to trip other people up so they can point and jeer instead of being as tolerant and understanding as they believe themselves to be.... leaves me wondering, if this is the season of good will to all.... who got so much niceness in their stocking that its left the rest of the world short??
Wishing all those who read my blog a magical Christmas.... and enough peace and excitement in the new year to bring them joy!
