Mind the Gap!

Most people have heard of 'writers block' but there is a lesser form of this that I read about. Instead of their minds being a total blank, there's just a moment's pause - a soupçon of hesitation right before they release the technicolor scenes, characters and plots that have been brewed in their imagination pot. It's referred to as 'the gap'.

I think I have this... as I my brain seems to stop frequently.

Today I proudly announced the cancellation of a non-cancelled course. I telephoned the delegate and this is what happened:

[porridge for brains] - ah good morning, soon to be distressed listener. You know that course you booked onto? Well I'm cancelling it.

[distressed listener] - oh, oh right. That's a shame.

[porridge for brains] - yes we're all terribly disappointed too, but there simply wasn't enough interest. We did try out bests, but sadly we've taken the decision to cancel.

[distressed listener] - ... and so soon!

*** brain processing pause*** - result = nothing

[porridge for brains] - we did try to hold off as long as possible before cancelling. I'm sorry about the short notice. In hindsight, I should've called you sooner.

*** silence ***

[porridge for brains] - well I'll keep you posted if it gets rescheduled. Thank you for your interest.

*** call ends ***

[porridge for brains] to [belly bulge - a pregnant colleague] - She was a bit sarcastic... cheeky mare!

I shrugged it off and thought nothing more about it until I was processing the cancellations and discovered that I'd phoned and cancelled a booking for MAY! No wonder she was confused and couldn't understand why I was cancelling it so soon. Sheepishly I had to phone her back and explain - her response was a relief although it did smart a bit. She laughed very loudly and kept apologising for laughing. It seems that I made her day. Her closing comment - "you couldn't write stuff funnier than this, huh?"...

I shouldn't be allowed to talk to people, its a hazard my ego finds hard to cope with and leaves my 'gap' painfully on display.

It's a Family Affair

It's looming, dark and ominous. A shadow of a big while elephant following me around. Stalking me. The pressure is hard to resist and the part of me that wants to please others is on the verge of mutiney.

Things have never been that great between my family members and get-togethers take a terrific toll on me. I go into a funk that sometimes lasts for days. It's not that they're not good people, because they are - individually. But collectively they morph into a horror version of the Adams family. Hard to imagine huh? Try dinning with them! Unsurprisingly, in order to avoid this I avoid them. And this usually works well, as they appear to avoid me

The problem is that its my birthday soon and there in lies the source of the pressure. Family conventions are the stuff that bonds families and there is an expectation that we 'ought' to celebrate together. We are family after all... Added into the mix is the fact that this is my 40th birthday which adds another layer of pressure.

Without anyone saying a word I can hear their silent plans screaming 'party... party... PARTY!' And if I'm honest the idea scares the beejesus out of me. I've been explicit - NO PARTY. (least that they know about) After three months of phone calls, I think the message has permeated.

But it seems the pressure has mounted again... 'what about a family meal?' We could go ... say, suggestions suggestions suggestions.... Perfect... no?' - NO!

I know they all frown at me for not taking the part written for me in our family movie. And worse still - all I want for my birthday is a dishwasher. Not exactly the sorta gift one ought to be hoping for I guess... so i suppose I'll just have to pretend to be delighted with whatever sparkles and frills are provided for me and secretly dream of dishwashers!

Ah families